These two passages are part of my growing AA toolbox. The first is from one of the many excellent Hazelden 12 step apps, the second is from a Max Lucado book. I read them together; for me they make a beautiful pair:
The forgiving state of mind is a magnetic power for attracting good. No good thing can be withheld from the forgiving state of mind. Forgiveness fosters humility, which invites gratitude. And gratitude blesses us; it makes manifest greater happiness. The more grateful we feel for all aspects of our lives, the greater will be our rewards. We don’t recognize the goodness of our lives until we practice gratitude. And gratitude comes easiest when we’re in a forgiving state of mind. Forgiveness should be an ongoing process. Attention to it daily will ease our relationships with others and encourage greater self-love. First on our list for forgiveness should be ourselves. Daily, we heap recriminations upon ourselves. And our lack of self-love hinders our ability to love others, which in turn affects our treatment of them. We’ve come full circle—and forgiveness is in order. It can free us. It will change our perceptions of life’s events, and it promises greater happiness. The forgiving heart is magical. My whole life will undergo a dynamic change when I develop a forgiving heart.
Be kind to one another, …forgiving one another. Ephesians 4:32
Forgiving is a minor miracle, a bloodless surgery we perform on our spirits. It goes like this, though not necessarily in this order: (1) We begin to see the offender as a… blemished person not all that much different from ourselves. (2) We surrender our precious right to get even… and choose to live with the scales unbalanced. (3) We gradually, oh so gradually, find the will to wish him well. Once begun – and remember that it is almost always a process, sometimes a lifelong journey – we… have hope again. People who discover the grace to forgive almost always discover the grace of hope besides.
Lewis Smedes, Keeping Hope Alive
I struggle with forgiveness on a regular basis. When relationships result in painful emotions, I so easily slide into an attitude of feeling ‘superior’ or ‘better than’! My pride, arrogance and selfishness are front and center. Sometimes it’s a case of feeling that ‘I am right, he/she is wrong’, and therefore my attitude is justified. I might work myself into a tizzy of self serving negativity towards the other person involved. In some cases, I’m upset and frustrated with only myself. Regardless of the situation, at least initially, forgiveness is the last thing on my mind.
Even if I have been legitimately hurt by someone and could easily take on the role of a ‘victim’, that is not who I want to be. With the incredible gift of time, acceptance, reflection and prayers to God I can heal my heart and see things differently. Because I read these passages every week, the concept of forgiving myself and others is not as much of a stretch as in the past. And for that I am most grateful!