Stopping the Insanity
Lately I have been working through a paralyzing fear of doing anything right and the crazy part is that I am an entrepreneur who should be fearless and welcome any opportunities to grow. However lately it is different.
I live by myself and I am a very capable lady of doing anything that needs to be done except whether it is with my own business or fixing my home…I just stall and feel like everything is closing in on me. It is agonizing and very frightening…and I struggle.
Then I find myself doing the same dance of reaching out to those that are unavailable. I just want that hug to say it is ok except I go to my ex for this. Hello…he is an ex for a reason. He is incapable of doing that and it is unfair of me in making him into something he isn’t.
This is the insanity…doing the same dance expecting something different. In this state I feel very alone.
And why in the hell am I here even after 15 years of recovery? It doesn’t matter about the years I have, it takes what it takes and in this case it comes down to fear, plain and simple.
So, as I have learned, I need to face this fear head-on like I am right now.
In a wonderful book that I used regularly (Daily Reflections)…I looked up “fear” and this passage spoke to me.
From Daily Reflections, July 6, p.196
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear…
– Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p 76
When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This “evil and corroding thread” is the root of my distress: Fear of failure, fear of others’ opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of AA in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, then I ask God to relieve me of that fear. This method works for me without fail and is one of the great miracles of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.
This is how it works and it is about progress, not perfection. I now see my insanity and I have a choice…to walk down the same road or choose a different path. Saying it is the simple part…the action is the hard part.
So today I embrace its beauty, turn to my higher power and know I am not alone in facing my fears.
I am on a journey with fellow travelers each realizing our own fullest potential. Thank you for the gift of you.