Choosing to Surrender
I have been reading and looking at Step 1 this month. It was only when I was broken and desperate enough that I chose to surrender and come to AA for help. Back when I was a kid, we played “uncle” — you would get tickled until you couldn’t take it anymore and then you would cry “UNCLE” and the person would have to stop. That’s kind of how I felt coming to AA — crying UNCLE — I couldn’t stop that the craving/obsession to drink.
It wasn’t just drinking that was the problem — my entire life was unmanageable. I didn’t necessarily think so at first. I only wanted “help” with my drinking problem. I could not imagine that I would never drink again. Alcohol was my best friend. Great friend, huh? My life was a mess and I thought (my best thinking) that I had it “ALL under control”. It’s almost comical looking back at it now.
Surrender seems like a continuously difficult thing to do, but gradually I am learning that it’s my choice whether I surrender or not. It’s a better choice. This weekend is a perfect example — the east coast storm.
I work at hospital, and this is my on call weekend. Due to the weather (I am powerless over it), the hospital has required all on call staff to spend the weekend at the hospital. Not one part of me desires to do this — I can come up with lots of reasons and arguments and be mad and pouty. BUT I am choosing NOT to take that approach — I have to keep reminding myself of that throughout the day. In fact, I wrote a gratitude list this morning after I woke up. (My sponsor has suggested that I pray and ask God how I can be of service to the patients and staff and take the focus off my situation.)
As I choose to surrender and turn things/situations over to my higher power, my life is simpler and easier to maneuver. I do not have it all together — very far from it — I can say that I am growing and getting better, and that’s a nice feeling.
Please feel free to share how you choose to surrender in your life and how that works for you.