Two weeks ago I did my first step 5 and found it to be a helpful experience. It was not as scary as I had pictured. Then came step 6 – it came more easily than I thought – and here I am at step 7.
Here’s the rub: I can see that my defects manifest as really deeply, thoroughly ingrained habits. The behaviors show quickly and in rapid succession – and I can’t always see it coming. I want badly to break them. I aim to give them to my higher power … and at the same time I am aware that this isn’t magic – I will need to do some good old fashioned hard work along the way.
Here are a few of the biggies that I’m working on:
1 – dishonesty
2 – carrying grudges
3 – passive aggression
4 – playing the victim
5 – impatience
6 – cruelty to myself
So … within days of step 5, I caught myself lying and being passive aggressive – it was toward my mother after all and after years of drinking and berating me, does she deserve honesty?!? Carrying a grudge and being a victim much, Mindy? Yikes. So I caught those and corrected my course but not before I berated myself for being stupid and mean. Of course, I said that to myself with many varieties of curse words and insults. Well, that was impatient and cruel behavior toward myself – oops – have to stop that too – aye aye aye!
But as much as this process is overwhelming it’s equally empowering. I don’t have to live this way forever! How fabulous!
So here’s what I pose to you, GROW ladies, this week – what habits have you broken – and how? What habits have you struggled with? How has it felt to do this work – to succeed and to struggle? Feel free to share on this topic or anything else you find helpful to your recovery. Thanks and happy 24!