“Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see.” From “As Bill Sees it” pg. 3
I chose today’s daily reflection November 23 to write on because it’s what my HP sent to me this morning and …it’s EXACTLY what I needed to pray and meditate on. Has this happened to you?
The reflection reminds me of the changing seasons of nature and of my life during drinking and now in sobriety. I am truly amazed at how I have changed over the years, living the steps and principles of AA.
I have had Winters where all my “leaves” fell and I felt alone, naked and almost dead. I have had Springs filled with new life, grand babies and joy and excitement, and colors and I felt the warmth of love and family and friends. Summers and Autumns that brought life on God’s terms with death and illness and infidelity and confusion and frustration and also trips to the beach, puppies and building a home, travel and so much more… and through each season, I changed with each event of my life since 12.21.93. I was able to stay sober by the Grace of God and living in fellowship/sisterhood of Alcoholics Anonymous.
If you are new to AA and GROW, coming back or have been coming to these rooms for years, you will see/learn/feel how God and only God can remove the “defects” that have become crutches and/or excuses to drink, to numb ourselves from the reality that we must change in order to be whole again. We cannot do it alone. We must surrender, (Step 1) we must trust (Step 2) and look toward the Light, our HP as we understand it, “even though for the moment you do not see.”
As it was suggested, I asked God, my HP, to remove my selfish thinking, my illusions of control, my self pity, my desire to drink and my desire for drama in my daily life. (Step 7) I could not have changed, I could not have learned how to love myself, I could not know peace like I do today, had I not surrendered. One day, one hour, one minute, I decided to believe (Step 3) and after 90 meetings in 90 days I began to know what it meant to “believe more deeply”. I learned and understood that God could do for me what I could not do for myself, (BB pg. 84) if I sought the God of my understanding, God could and God did. I am so grateful!
In my current season of life, two of my grandchildren are very ill, ages 9 and 11; one physically and the other emotionally. A friend of 39 years is battling cancer and is arranging Hospice support. At this moment I “do not see” the light and grace of my HP but I know it is there and I know if I “hold my face to the Light” (God) my family, my grandchildren, my friend will all have what they need to move through these events and I will know peace. “Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.” (BB pg. 84) I will be joyful and grateful. I will be calm. I will be able to serve them and others with gratitude because I do not control the seasons of my life or anyone else’s; I do not run the show! (BB pg. 88) I believe and trust in God’s will, not mine.
God has removed the desire to drink but my disease lurks patiently waiting for a time that I turn away from the Light long enough to jump in and take over my emotions, my spirit, my body. How might this happen? “Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us.” (BB pg.58-59) I will worry, create drama, become guilty, manipulate, try to control or expect outcomes to be the way I want them to be. I have learned to pray and ask God to “remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.” (BB pg. 76 Step 7)
I have done the work to be physically sober, to have on most days. a strong emotional sobriety, to be centered and grow the connection to my HP/God. H.O.W? I must be honest, open-minded and willing to believe, to trust and turn toward the Light even if for this moment, I do not see it.
The reflection ends with this prayer: “Thank you God for the changing seasons and for my ever-changing life.”
Thank you for reading my share. I hope God has shown you something you need today. Please share with us how your life has changed like the seasons of nature or how you turn to the Light (your HP) even though for the moment, you don’t see. Of course, share anything in your heart, I’m sure it will be exactly what someone needed today.
Teresa S.
12.21.93