A few weeks ago, I started feeling like I was coming down with something. After a few days of feeling flu-ish and waiting for it to develop into something worse, I remembered that, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become allergic to something in the early fall atmosphere. It’s only annoying – thankfully I don’t suffer like some folks. The only downside is that we can’t keep the windows open at night now that it’s gotten cooler.
So I got to thinking about allergies. I am so grateful for The Doctor’s Opinion in the Big Book. The idea that I could be allergic to alcohol got me over the hump of being able to admit I am an alcoholic. I had “admitted” many times at many meetings – but what I didn’t know is that I was just parroting the words, like a dutiful child. My denial (“don’t even notice I am lying”…to myself) was pretty hard to overcome. I spent a long time insisting I wasn’t that bad, deliberately ignoring the signs and symptoms that clearly applied to me. And yet I was faithfully attending meetings and, I thought, doing the work, but I kept having this feeling that I was a wanna-be alcoholic, an imposter and a hypocrite who couldn’t possibly be an alcoholic but who desperately wanted what you all had. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity was still very much with me.
I remember an incident that convinced me I could admit and accept I’m an alcoholic and not die from humiliation (funny how all this is right there in Step 1!). I had a pretty bad cold, and my husband was out of town (he was gone a lot in those days – perfect for me to drink with abandon, but I had been sober and in the program a while). Side note: to this day my dear husband doesn’t believe I’m an alcoholic – he doesn’t have the allergy or obsession, so it’s difficult for him to empathize. Anyway, on this particular evening, a bottle of wine my husband had left on the counter caught my attention. I started thinking I could have a drink and no one would know. I even decided I wouldn’t tell my sponsor and that I’d just go back to my regular meeting the next morning as if nothing had happened. Just then the doorbell rang – it was my sponsor! She had come over with some chicken soup and other cold remedies, and she sat down to chat a bit. I wasn’t going to say anything about my cunning plan, and was a tiny bit resentful that she had ruined it, but suddenly I started spilling the beans – I couldn’t stop myself. She listened quietly, and though I don’t remember what she said (I’m sure it was just the right thing at the right time), but as she was saying it, I was overcome with the feeling that only an alcoholic would think like I had been thinking but that it was totally okay to be an alcoholic. I could be an alcoholic and still have self-worth. The important part was accepting the knowledge that I’m an alcoholic. I also knew at that moment that God had brought my sponsor to me (one of many incidents where God was trying hard to lead me to what I wanted and needed – all I had to do was accept it).
I had read The Doctor’s Opinion many times, but this experience opened my eyes fully to the truth: I had an allergy combined with a mental obsession, and I was truly an alcoholic. It was the end of the world as I knew it, and I felt fine! I was finally a fully participating member of my own recovery.
I’d be delighted to read about your journeys and when you knew you were an alcoholic. I know a lot of folks knew a lot sooner than I did – I’m just grateful I was given the chance to change my life no matter how long it took me.
Thank you for the honor of chairing!