Step 11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
In my experience, prayer had never worked for me. Meditation? Put me to sleep. Forget conscious contact with God, he was that old white guy sitting up there with pen and paper keeping track of my every move. I wanted nothing to do with any of it. So, in the beginning, I “took what I wanted and left the rest.”
I began with trying to stay present in the meetings. Listening to what was being said rather than planning what I was going to say. Walking was something I had been doing for my mental health so that became my meditation. The time spent putting one foot in front of of the other, staying present in the moment, becoming aware of my surroundings. When my mind wanted to spiral off somewhere else, I would repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over. Another way I learned how to be present was by putting pen to paper. Sometimes I had to write the same thing over and over and listen to myself. A sort of call and response.
The first spiritual experience I acknowledged (looking back there had been many that led up to this) was by writing the line ‘I love you’ and then recording the response that came to mind. Needless to say I was not very kind to myself. At one point I had written in response that I didn’t deserve love. What happened next still gives me goose bumps. An inner voice, very different from my own told me that “I didn’t have to deserve it, It (love) just is.” This was the first of many conversations I have had with what I now call Good Orderly Direction.
When presented with the idea of not expecting anything in return for my efforts…be it recognition, compensation, returning the favor…I wasn’t going for it. I didn’t do something for nothing. There was always a quid pro quo. Good Orderly Direction taught something different.
Over the years I have adjusted to being happy just knowing something came from me whether anyone else recognizes or gives me credit.
Coming to terms with Being, rather than doing has become habit. I have yet to lack Good Orderly Direction when I ask for it. Ignoring it leads to discomfort, often ending in a disaster.
Reading about prayer and meditation helped give me the vocabulary. Attending workshops and retreats gave me the tools and helped me understand that we don’t all have the same experiences.
Please share your efforts at prayer and meditation.