I just spent the last 45 minutes looking for something in AA literature that directly supports thinking I am better than you while also berating myself for not being enough. So many bits and pieces from Conference approved literature, nothing that directly supports holding both at the same time. The closest I came was Step 6 in the 12 and 12 on page 67. Bill talks about self righteous anger and gossip. We take others down while building ourselves up.
When I came into these rooms I was a fear based human doing. My worth was based on what others thought of me and what I was able to accomplish. Since early childhood, I was never enough. The smallest thing could derail any good in my life. (My mother was a rage-aholic and my father emotionally absent.) My reality was denied repeatedly and my feelings dismissed as excessive. (I am a crier. It is my reaction to any overwhelm in my life.) My defiance is what got me through life, along with completely giving up any expectation of success. If it was too hard, I gave up.
Marijuana was my self medication. I wasn’t a daily drinker because I throw up and blackout. Whenever I drank, it was to get drunk. Social drinking wasn’t my thing. A couple of glasses of wine at dinner could lead to complete chaos and major repercussions. (Bear in mind as you read this, I am 29 years removed from these behaviors and am having to dig deep to remember.)
I was really good at my job-office management, admin tasks and bookkeeping. Any missteps (drinking binges) would be overlooked because of my performance and replacing me would be difficult. At 25 I had an admin position that often meant I was making business decisions in the absence of the owner. I remember a sales person marveling at how much responsibility I had for someone so young. My perfectionism was such that any small error would negate large amounts of effort I had put into a project and I would have to start over.
I had (still do actually) this judgment loop running in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t wear makeup or dress fashionably, being overweight didn’t help. Tact is not my first language. I don’t do chatty I could berate myself for the smallest misstep, not to mention when I really screwed up. Working the steps and coming to terms with my behaviors and vulnerabilities (I do not believe in defects), has given me the life I have today. Total unconditional love changed my life. I don’t have to deserve love, I am lovable simply by existing. If someone isn’t supporting your recovery journey, it is their problem. Many of our loved ones don’t like the changes we may make in our behavior and the boundaries we create.
This note that still lives by my bathroom mirror: This is who I am. This is how I am dressed. Those are words I have spoken. Those are actions I have taken. Those are Accomplishments I have made. Those are mistakes I have made. This is who I am today. Repeating these statements daily after berating myself for something I judged unworthy, I learned to accept myself and move forward.
The Serenity prayer is important to me. I can work through it line by line, pen to paper, and figure out what is going on. What is my part, what cannot be changed, knowing that I can make a choice. Not doing something is as much a choice as taking action. Recovery is a way of life for me today. I have absorbed this way of life to such an extent it is difficult for me to go back and revisit the insanity.
Service is an important part of my journey. Learning how to show up no matter what. Supporting other women in this journey. Complete participation-sponsor and be sponsored, share at meetings, help set up and clean up. Offer rides if you can. Pick up the telephone. (A hard one for me. I don’t chat.) Go to coffee after the meeting. Attend sober gatherings at the holidays, summer parties and picnics. Allow people into your life.
I CANNOT take that 1st drink. A relapse 31 years ago ended in complete chaos and a near death experience. The comparison of alcohol to a sleeping tiger is a good one for me. Once I drink, it is a lost cause. I am off and running. I know I am capable of another relapse, it is the recovery that would be a problem. I don’t think I have another one in me. The life I have today is based on my sobriety and all that came before. I had to go there to get here.