Topic for the week: Now about sex (Big Book, p.68)
I debated whether or not to choose this topic as it can be difficult for some women to discuss this issue in relation to our drinking and the consequences of our sex conduct. But sex is brought up in the Big Book regarding Step Four and it can be quite problematic for female alcoholics, so I thought it would be a worthwhile topic for us. Personally, I only feel comfortable discussing this topic in a women’s meeting, and I don’t believe it’s been brought up at this meeting (at least for a long time) so here goes…
Alcohol and sex went hand-in-hand for me and both got me into a lot of trouble. As with other aspects of my life as an active alcoholic, I was selfish when it came to sex; I’d sleep with a friend’s boyfriend or husband if the opportunity presented itself, I’d cheat on my boyfriend if I felt like it, I’d flirt with guys I didn’t like just to get a guy I did like jealous, and so on. And 9.9 times out of ten, I’d only do these things when I’d been drinking.
Another issue I had with sex and alcohol is that I’d drink until I was in a blackout and wake up somewhere with some guy and have no idea what had happened, or didn’t happen, between us…quite dangerous for several reasons, and yet I kept drinking because alcohol wasn’t the problem – it was my past, my lousy parents, etc. I also got pregnant a few times due to the fact that I didn’t use birth control; I didn’t use birth control because I didn’t take care of my health in general – having blackouts on a regular basis is a sure sign of not taking care of one’s health! – and just couldn’t be bothered to follow through with getting a prescription, etc. (in the early to mid ’80s). I had my first son in 1982, at just 20 years old, and chose to give him up for adoption as I didn’t want the responsibility of a child given the difficulty I felt I’d have due to no support from family, no partner, just a high school diploma, and a lot of anger built up over years. I didn’t know I was an alcoholic at the time, but I did know that my lifestyle wasn’t the best in which to bring up a child and I wasn’t willing at the time to alter my lifestyle for anyone…selfishness and self-centeredness, yes, but I did give some thought to how it would be for my son if I kept him and I was truly afraid I’d hurt him physically due to my anger and general inability to cope with life. I had my second son in 1986 and because nothing changes if nothing changes, I was still drinking and drugging and still felt I wasn’t ready or able to take care of a child, so I allowed him to be adopted by the couple who had adopted my first son.
So sex was pretty much always a problem when I was an active alcoholic; it was a problem for me emotionally, mentally, and physically, and some of the consequences of my sex conduct have had a lasting impact on my life.
In Step Four we’re asked to look at our sex conduct and analyze it in the same way as other aspects of our life as active alcoholics. But regarding Step Nine and making amends for our sex conduct, we’re cautioned against hurting others in our attempt to “clean our side of the street”. For me, there was one former boyfriend I very much wanted to tell of my infidelity because I knew it would hurt him, but after a lot of back-and-forth in my mind about it, I chose not to. I also didn’t tell a girlfriend about sleeping with her boyfriend. Did she already know? Perhaps, but I didn’t feel I should tell her in case she didn’t know. However, I did make amends to a woman who wasn’t my friend when I was sleeping with her boyfriend, but later became a friend. I knew she knew about Steve and me so later on, after they’d split up and she was seeing another guy (who I did NOT sleep with), I apologized and she was gracious about the whole thing.
Of course the best amends I can make regarding my sex conduct is to change my behavior; not drinking is really helpful in accomplishing this. And I no longer choose to hurt anyone in order to get what, or who, I want. In sobriety, I actually listen to my conscience – I never did when drinking – and even though I may struggle with wanting what I want versus wanting to do the “right” thing, I’m happy to say that when it comes to sex conduct, these days I follow my conscience and do the “right” thing. It makes my life so much easier, happier, and carefree. No more drama, no more emotional fallout from ruined relationships/friendships, etc.
So, for this week’s topic, please share on your patterns of behavior re: sex conduct, the motivation behind your behavior, and/or the impact your behavior had on others. I’m not asking for details of any sort, and I understand if some of you don’t care to share on this topic. But I do hope it’s helpful, overall.
Thanks for letting me chair this meeting. The meeting is now open.