This coming Monday, I will have gone without a drink for 29 years. This is amazing to me, as it has been every sober year. When I came back to AA after a nasty 5-year relapse, I was broken with little hope that I could get or stay sober. The idea I could be sober for a year seemed impossible. I didn’t think I could work the program either. Every Step was scary. I was sure I wouldn’t like the person I found in those Steps. But I’d run out of options. I’d tried so many ways to not drink and failed at all of them. I’d come to fear drinking as much as I feared not drinking.
The fear of getting drunk one more time kept me sober for quite a while. The fear drove me to work the Steps with a sponsor and apply those Steps in the rest of my life. For the first time in my life, I did what people suggested the way they suggested it. I was in shock when I picked up my first year chip. I’m still afraid of the next drink, but fear isn’t the only thing that keeps me sober today. It’s the program. It’s the Steps and having a relationship with a power much greater than me.
With the help of other recovering alcoholics, AA, the Big Book, and the Steps have taught me so much about who I was, who I am, and who I can be. They’ve given me tools that address any situation that comes up, but only if when understand the tool and how to apply it. That means I must practice actually using the tool. Life forces me to practice – a lot. Life continues to help me practice these principles in all my affairs.
Today, I have confidence that even I can stay sober one day at a time. I’m still afraid of the next drink, being certain that the first one will be followed by thousands more. I know without doubt that, if I pick up, it will never end. But today, I also know that I am protected by the program of AA and sober friends who keep me grounded. I’m no longer afraid of looking within when something’s bothering me because that’s the only place I’ll find the problem. I’ve learned it’s okay to make mistakes, that all humans make mistakes. I’ve learned that being mindful helps me avoid a lot of heartache, that staying out of my head brings peace. I’ve also learned that the more I think of others, the better I feel about myself.
What keeps you sober today?
Please share about this or anything you need to.