Self Mastery
“We had to see that every time we played the big shot we turned people against us. We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.” AA 12 x 12, Step 4, p. 47
Thanks to all of you and my HP I’m 12 years sober today. I just returned from a nearly 3 week trip to my home town that was laden with challenges. Despite this, I handled myself pretty well. Here’s a few examples:
When a friend was passive aggressive with me, I didn’t wilt or go on the attack: I asked him to state his wish clearly.
I was able to set aside grievances and remain open to getting to know my dad as he is now: a frail man with memory issues who didn’t want to see me leave–for the first time ever.
I was able to tell a cousin I had argued with ten years ago, and had been avoiding ever since (!), that I loved her, and I genuinely enjoyed our visit.
Before recovery and in early sobriety, I couldn’t ask for clarification, walk through fear, or let go of a grudge; I went straight to victim. In the wake of my trip, I don’t feel resentful, I feel peaceful.
The last paragraph of the 12 x 12 quote is one of my favorite bits of program wisdom. When I read it today, it shows me what happened to the angry, fearful, conflict-avoidant drinker I was before AA: I’ve accepted that I’m 100% responsible for managing my own upset. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m not calm and can walk away instead of trying to “win a useless argument,” as Bill put it. Today I’m not trying to farm out the job of managing me, or my life, to someone else.
I have a higher power, meetings, steps, fellows, inventory, and the ability to think before I speak, or press send. One day at a time, I get to use these tools to navigate the challenges that are inevitable in any life.
Please feel free to share on the topic of self mastery, the reading, or whatever you need to talk on this week.
Thank you for the chance to lead the meeting.