Topic for the week: Step 1
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
I was in complete denial until the very end of my drinking even though there was ample evidence demonstrating my complete powerlessness over alcohol. I believe I was an alcoholic from the first drink; I was a prime candidate considering I had a strong desire to escape reality as often as I could starting at about age 12. I turned to drugs first as they were, oddly enough, easier to get. But by the age of 17 I could pass for 21 – the legal age to drink in Pennsylvania in the late ’70s – so I started hanging out in bars with people (most of whom were a lot older than I was) who drank like I did.
I liked alcohol because it allowed me to come out of my shell and “be myself”, or so I thought. I cultivated the image of a bad-ass who was reckless, refused to obey authority, and could out-drink anyone. The reality of the situation was that I slept with friends’ boyfriends, I stole items from friends and stores (and got arrested for that once), I had no plan for my life so I drifted from job to job and place to place, I wallowed in self-pity most of the time and when really drunk I often cried, and I had almost no people/social skills, which was most evident when I was drinking. I was filled with remorse, embarrassment, shame, and unhappiness most days so I drank to make it all go away, not seeing that I was only making matters worse.
I remember once sitting in a bar, alone, looking at all the bottles behind the bartender and the thought came to me that I wanted to have them ALL…all of the 70 or so bottles of alcohol that were in front of me! It didn’t occur to me that it wasn’t normal to think that way. I remained in denial for about ten years, until the day I woke up/came to one morning after blacking out – again – and heard a voice in my head that said, “That’s it.” I’d woken up not knowing where I was and was trying to get dressed when I heard this voice. I thought, what does “That’s it” mean? I heard it again, in the same measured tone, and knew instantaneously that I was an alcoholic and that if I continued to drink I’d end up in a morgue, jail, or some kind of institution. After figuring out where I was, I took the train home and within a few days called George, a guy my mother had been seeing who just happened to have six years of sobriety. I’d been to an AA meeting with him two months prior to this but it had had no noticeable affect on me. But the voice did, and I can only think it was my HP doing for me what I could not do for myself.
From that day in August 1989 until now I’ve never doubted I’m an alcoholic, thankfully. My sobriety date is April 8, 1991 though because I continued to use drugs until April 7th; it wasn’t until I eliminated all mind- and mood-altering substances that I truly got sober so I changed my sobriety date to reflect this.
My life was unmanageable for a long time and a severe case of denial prevented me from seeing the cause – alcohol. Accepting Step One was such a relief; I finally knew what the problem was! And knowing the misery, confusion, and difficulties alcohol causes in my life has made it relatively easy to refrain from picking up a drink. Once in a while I get flashbacks regarding things I did while drunk and I inevitably shake my head and wonder how I could have done such a thing…that wasn’t the “real me”, it was the “drunk me” and I don’t want to be that woman again. Starting with Step One, I’ve learned who I really am, I’ve learned to live life on life’s terms, I’ve learned to think more of others than of myself, and so much more. Alcohol took so many things from me, important things, but sobriety has given me some of those things back. But I could never have started on this road to recovery if I hadn’t accepted my powerlessness over alcohol – this was the key to everything as far as my sobriety and following the AA program.
We are all invited to share on Step 1. The steps are our blueprint for living sober lives.
*** Step 1 ***
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
This step is listed in Chapter 5, How it Works, from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous (affectionately known as the Big Book) (see p. 59). There’s more – the Big Book opens with Bill’s Story (which details how one of the A.A. founders found that he was powerless over alcohol and that his life was unmanageable) and I think Chapter 3, “More About Alcoholism” talks about this in detail. There’s even more about it in the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
*** Where to get the books, Alcoholics Anonymous and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions ***
You can find these books at many f2f AA meetings; you can order them online from many places. And they are available from the AA General Service office, to read online, in English, French, and Spanish. See www.aa.org/