January 23: Contempt prior to investigation

Topic for the week:  Contempt Prior to Investigation

One of the character defects that I struggle with often is ‘contempt prior to investigation’.  While my daily drinking fix was my highest priority in life, this behavior had become especially prevalent in my family and marital relationships.  So, it came up in a big way as I did my fourth step inventory. I was the queen of judging others negatively before I understood them and/or the facts.

While I have made some progress since working the steps, last week I was slapped in the face with it again!  A dear longtime friend of mine for many years had not communicated with me for the last 2 months.  With each passing week I repeatedly decided I knew the reason she had disappeared, and I became convinced that our friendship was over.  “Well fine!” I told myself, I will accept it and move on.  So in my mind I did just that.  I was angry with her, disappointed and hurt.

Then last week I received an email invitation to a party at her house next month, all of our close friends on the list.  Within a few minutes of sending it she began a text conversation with me explaining that this normally busy season at work (which coincidentally began 2 months ago) was worse than ever this year.  It was like a punch in the gut.  While I literally cried tears of joy that I had not lost my friend after all, I was also filled with shame and guilt.  I engaged in yet another self-inflicted dalliance with ‘contempt prior to investigation’.  I completely judged her without ‘investigating’ the situation.  I could have saved myself a lot of anguish by asking her directly about her absence, and she likely would have appreciated a supportive check-in.  But instead I let emotions, pride and self-will rule the day.

This episode was a blunt reminder and lesson that I must pay better attention to this ever challenging defect.  Thanks to all I have learned by studying and working the 12 steps, I can seek God’s will instead of relying on mine.  (Progress, not perfection…!)

Grateful to hear your experience, strength and hope regarding this topic, or anything else you need to share.  Thank you!

Susan P.