“I am learning to let go and let God, to have a mind that is open and a heart that is willing to receive God’s grace in all my affairs; in this way I can experience the peace and freedom that come as a result of surrender. It has been proven that an act of surrender, originating in desperation and defeat, can grow into an ongoing act of faith, and that faith means freedom and victory”. (Daily reflections July 21)
Growing up there were lots of aunts and uncles in our family. The uncles would love to tease us kids and tickle us. We called it tickle torture. And we would have to cry “uncle” for them to stop. Crying “uncle” was an act of surrender. Surrendering is defeat but what relief to yell out “uncle”. Too bad I didn’t carry that lesson to adulthood. Lol.
As I grew up I became very self reliant. Mostly as a defense mechanism. I had to. Then I became haughty and arrogant and decided to show my family that I could do life on my own. I decided as a young girl that I would never be like my mother – dependent on a man. I closed my heart to people and to God. I put myself through college and graduate school. In a short time I was making more money then my parents did together. Whatever I wanted I got—I earned — by myself.
The problem came much later with alcohol. I believe that I have always had an alcoholic mind. But my drinking didn’t really get into full swing until my late 20’s. It brought such relief to my anxiety and anger and angst. It was magic. I was hooked. Then it became poison. Then it didn’t work. And then I could NOT stop. I tried to stop over and over ON MY OWN. Surely I was not an alcoholic—I did not live under a bridge. I had a good job, marriage, house, cars. I was a community leader. I DID NOT want to surrender to the idea (or truth) that I was an alcoholic. My counselor said “if you drink again maybe you should try AA”. NOPE!! So I stopped. Two and a half long months of sheer hell for me and everyone around me. I needed a drink sooooo bad. I was irritable, discontented, depressed, anxious, angry and a #@&%!
Out of desperation, I went to AA online for help and they suggested I go to a meeting. NO WAY! I’ll never forgot what the guy emailed me. He said it was my choice to drink but if I drank again I would loose those 2.5 months and I would have to start over. That got my goat! He pointed me to an online women’s meeting similar to Grow. There I got a sponsor and started going to face to face meetings and started working the steps. As I started to surrender to the fact that I couldn’t get sober or stay sober on my own I began to slowly feel some relief.
Today it’s easier for me to surrender. Sometimes it still takes my sponsor to say “now Karrie…..”
I love how it says in the reading….”It has been proven that an act of surrender, originating in desperation and defeat, can grow into an ongoing act of faith, and that faith means freedom and victory”. (Daily reflections July 21)
Today I have freedom from alcohol. My life has changed. I have changed. I AM A MIRACLE!
I’m so so grateful to have sobriety!!
Thank you for listening.