Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Meeting topic: What have I learned working Steps 8-9?
The work can be intense, yet, it is worth it when complete. The 9th step promises BB pg. 83-84 kept me sober for a long time, way before I could even understand a lot of what AA was about. I just wanted relief from the pain I was in, the secrets, the lies, the misery and the depression. I wanted to live even though I had a plan on how to die.
Here are some things I have learned by working Steps 8-9. I pray my HP will lead my thoughts in order to help others. My three big words for these steps are: OWNERSHIP, RESPONSIBILITY, GROWTH.
1. I am responsible for who I am today. It is nobody’s fault that I am an alcoholic and nobody makes me do anything today. I have a choice. The steps provide us an opportunity to grow up and be who I was created to be! Learning how to live in peace with ALL people is an adventure that never ends.
2. Steps 8 and 9 are tools…tools for CHANGE, I know that is one thing you want. We have a solution and a way to change. Judas, comitted suicide becaue he could not accept responsibility for his part. AA teaches us how. He did not have a way out. He did not have a plan for living. So he died.
3. I wrote this when I did my last Step 8 with my sponsor several months ago because I was struggling with making amends and forgiving people who hurt me.
“God, I am willing to go to any lengths to be FREE. I trust you will create situations where I can make the amends I need to make in order to become the person I was created to be. Remind me when I forget, they who hurt me are yours too! ”
If you have never written your own version, you might try it. It was spiritually invigorating for me!
4. Step 8 takes COURAGE! Focus on MYself, MY part, MY responsibility. Acknowledge that I have harmed myself and others. Period. It takes courage to forgive, first myself and then others.
A definition of “harm: “the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to people.” 12 and 12 pg. 80
Here are SOME of my behaviours that harmed others when I was drinking:
depression lies. infidelity. secrets
reckless with money. judgements
unreasonable expectations….expectations period
indifference. dependency. martyrdom
drama. procrastination. neglecting health issues
selfish attitudes. control. unkind behaviour
emotional manipulation. absence. excuses
blaming. gossip
Working Steps 4-7 are the miracle and the solution that explains how my HP removed these shortcomings of character so that I could become who I was made to be, stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety….all opposites of the above. Yeah! I love the human I am today living in sobriety, with tools to stay happy, joyous and free!
5. Feeling shame and remorse are signs of growing up, of facing the reality of the wreckage of our past! It is a cleaning out of those feelings! We become free from those feelings and replace them with love, kindness, compassion and empathy. Our present attitudes and behaviours are reflections of the work we have done. We accept the lessons from our past and go forward, not behaving as we used to behave. These are “living amends”.
6. Our illness, alcoholism, did not allow us to make any other choices at the time. Thus, we must forgive ourselves. Same for those who hurt us. We forgive them because they were also “sick” and had no other way of behaving, even though they hurt us.
7. We change our perception of who we are and of who others are/were. We surrender and accept what we cannot change. We did the best we could at the time, They (our parents, family, friends, strangers) did too, even if it was not good enough.
8. From the Bob and Polly audio tapes: “develop a vision of how a God like, loving servant would act and then, do it! Be kind and loving to people I resent, even if I don’t want to. Act as if.”
9. These steps take both effort and risk. We take responsibility for the wrongs we have done and let GOD handle those who harmed us. We avoid harming others and make amends only after asking God, as you understand God, to remove any and all fears, help and guide our words, spoken or written. We need to be honest, open-minded and willing! H.O.W,
10. Some names on our list we can make immediate amends. Some have to wait, others we do in letter writing, others we pray and wish them what we want for ourselves. ALWAYS, we make amends with dignity and tact. We are brief to give the reason why we make amends, honest, and sincere. “We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people, we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” BB pg.83
11. We have NO expectations for a reply or response. We clean our side of the street and that is enough. That is what we are to do. We do not bring up what others did or didn’t do. If consequences come up, we accept them as part of our GROWTH and understanding of our purpose in life.
12. “In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.” BB pg. 69 We treat all our problems with this petition to our HP.
To end, one of my favorite BB quotes that has and continues to save my sanity and sobriety…”…place the outcome in God’s hands.” BB pg 80
Looking forward to reading what is on your heart as related to what you have learned or lived around Steps 8-9 or any other topic on your heart.
Thank you for allowing me to share.