The other night I had a dream in which I drank alcohol. I knowingly drank it, and without any hesitation. I didn’t remember the dream immediately after waking, but when I finally did I thought, oh my God, did I drink? My initial feelings were remorse and shame at throwing away 34 years of sobriety, along with astonishment at how easily I was willing to do that in my dream. It really freaked me out. So, for this week’s topic, I want to talk about how cunning, baffling, and powerful alcohol is for alcoholics.
When I think of how cunning alcohol is, what stands out for me is my inability to remember, once I thought about having a drink, all the negative consequences that inevitably followed once I started drinking. I was one of those who would honestly say to myself, “I’ll just have one or two drinks” and mean it, but then of course once I’d had those one or two drinks, I wouldn’t stop…couldn’t stop. It wasn’t that I thought I could control my drinking when I said I’d have one or two, it was that I didn’t know that once alcohol entered my system, I had to have more.
And given that drinking alcohol is a common social activity among adults in many societies, alcohol can be cunning for alcoholics as we see others enjoying themselves, laughing, socializing, and so on, and we want to take part. We want to be like others and join in the fun, however, alcohol is not the same for us as it is for non-alcoholics. Like many alcoholics, I always felt “apart from”, not “part of”. By joining in with others who were drinking I could be part of the group for a little while, but then I’d drink so much that I’d blackout, do something obnoxious, or something else would happen that would once again set me apart from the others. The social aspect of alcohol lured me in, but I could never drink “socially”.
Alcohol is baffling to me because as an alcoholic, I did things to get it that I wouldn’t ever do to get other things, and because I did things while under the influence of alcohol that I’d never have done when sober. How many times did I ask myself, Why did you do that??, or How could you have done that?? It was as though I was another person when I was drinking. I never understood that, unlike others who were not alcoholic, alcohol changed me into the worst version of myself.
Powerful. I recall hearing at a meeting that if I want to drink, I should take everything that means something to me, put it on the bar, then walk away because that’s what I will give up if I choose alcohol. I wasn’t one of those who had lost everything while I was an active alcoholic, but I did give up two sons for adoption. I didn’t know I was an alcoholic in 1982 and 1986 when my sons were born, but I knew I didn’t want to change my lifestyle (which was basically doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted) so I gave them up for adoption. After getting sober I would occasionally hear a woman at meetings share that she would go out drinking, leaving her child or children alone, and sometimes wouldn’t come home until the next day. Alcohol will separate me from my values, my ethics, my children, my spouse/partner, my job, my money, and anything else I hold dear. Powerful, indeed.
Thanks for letting me share. The meeting is now open for anyone who’d like to share on the “cunning, baffling, powerful” aspect of alcohol for us as alcoholics.