I love that this program does not require all of its members to believe in the same God. I don’t think I would have stuck around long if that was the case. My parents took us to church every Sunday. I was part of the choir for many years. Yet, I never understood why the God I worshiped at church would allow me to endure the pain of sexual abuse at the hand of my father. As I got older, I got angrier. I started using alcohol to fit it and deal with my childhood issues. It solved all of my problems, until I woke up and realized that it didn’t. But I liked the temporary relief that alcohol gave me. As I got deeper into my addiction, my hatred towards that church God grew. By the time I got into AA, I wanted little to do with a church god.
In 2004, I started attending AA with my current husband and was exposed to the “God of my understanding ” phrase. I listened to others rely on their God. They prayed and talked to their God…or so they said in their shares. I was still struggling. Try as I might, I still did not think a God could help me. I know today that is because I had a skewed understanding of God. I thought that if I believed in a God, bad stuff would never happen to me. I’d be loved, content and happy. Well, you can only imagine my hurt and anger when that did not work out.
In 2016, I started attending AA for me. My life was unmanageable even without the alcohol and I had no God to help me. At first I used the women of AA as my God. But, they are human and they let me down. I still thought if I had a God, I’d be safe from hurt. But I kept coming back to AA, because you had what I wanted. Finally, after several years of my sponsor watching me throw my God in the trash whenever life got lifey, she asked me to define my God. I thought, how do I do that? I have no idea what my god looks like. But I thought about it over a few weeks, and I was slowly able to picture my God. A warm blanket wrapped around me when I am cold. Ice cream on a hot day. The parent I always wanted to cheer me on no matter how poorly I acted or reacted. The sun on my face. The kisses from my dog as she gives me love. Hugs from all the ladies at my f2f meeting. I started to see the God of my understanding in my life every day, and in the end, I settled on my God as the positive energy and love of the world. My God is everywhere and always loves me – the good, the bad and the ugly.
Today, I have my God and we talk daily. I still get angry, but I also learned through this process that hurt is part of life. My God cannot take that away from me. So when I get angry, I use the warm blanket of my God and embrace the love while still being angry.
So grateful that I have this program which allows me to choose my God and not require it to be the same for everyone.
I would love to hear how you came to find your God of your understanding or if you have not found God yet, what you are using in the meantime to help you with life.