Topic for the week: Step Nine!!
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
From page 85 in the 12×12:
“After taking this preliminary trial at making amends, we may enjoy such a sense of relief that we conclude our task is finished. We will want to rest on our laurels. The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let’s not talk prudence while practicing evasion.”
My initial amends process was careless, half assed and could have caused more damage than good…why?…because my motives were completely selfish and self seeking. God bless my first sponsor, but she wasn’t able to really guide me at the time and kinda just left me dangling at Step 5. So when I did my “amends” I hadn’t even really looked at defects. let alone ask God to remove them because I still thought everything bad that happened was because of my drinking and that’s the only reason I did those things. I made no real list, gave no real consideration to them, or respect to the process.
I was now in the new relationship that was to be my “reward” for getting sober; so I had to quickly get these pesky Steps out of the way and shut the door on my past so that I could move on with my new life and live happily ever after. I basically emailed and texted my “amends” which, again, were far from genuine. When my new relationship/reward started to explode because I was a raging untreated alcoholic (dry drunk) and he was a closet addict; I knew I was not gonna be able to get through this doing sobriety the way I had been . My way was essentially using sex and the newness of the new relationship as my fix-and making him my HP. We went to meetings, but beyond that we would just indulge each other in conversation about how unique and awesome we were but in a way that was self-deprecating so we considered ourselves “humble” LOL!!
When this construct started to fail, I was in horror because how in the name of GOD, could this be happening to me, again!! I was sober for F sakes! What more do you want from me?!? I had no choice but to hit the program, and hit it hard. It was that or drink-and to drink was to die. Because the pain I was experiencing was considerable, the ground was fertile again, and this time I got busy.
Again, I hadn’t really any guidance outside the “meeting makers make it” and “90 and 90” crowd so I thought that that was AA. Turns out, there was way more involved than I thought. I found a podcast that was rooted in the Big Book, which I kinda skimmed through in the beginning, but not really. I glommed onto an AA circuit speaker from that podcast. He was talking about God, the Steps and the Big Book, which I hadn’t heard in the meetings I had been attending, or maybe I didn’t want to hear. This time I did what he suggested: God first thing in the morning on knees, commit to a homegroup, get a sponsor in that group, get a service commitment, work the Steps.
During that time, my life line was Joe and Charlie, the podcast, the big book, walking, meetings, service, study and praying. I moved out of his house and rented a roomagain, which was humiliating for me to do sober. I didn’t even have a bed. I slept on the floor until God magically brought forth a bed for me, a free car and a job-I swear I didn’t have to pay for it or look for it-everything just got provided.. I found a sponsor who was committed to taking me through the work again, so this time I was able to start to see the truth and the harm I caused.
The next round of amends were rooted in the fundamentals of our program and my heart was beginning to change naturally and organically because I actually did start to somewhat consider what they may have gone through as a result of my choices and my behavior-but not in a way that was self-flogging or guilt. I got that I was genuinely sick, and perhaps they were too; but that just because we were spiritually or mentally sick, that didn’t mean that I got a pass. But I was leaning toward compassion rather than guilt. Compassion can’t be taught from a book, it must be experienced. I didn’t experience that for real real until I started sponsoring other women.
From this new perspective going into amends became a sacred act. I actually sat down with the ex’es-not flirting, no small talk. I was authentically attempting to right wrongs if I could-if I couldn’t, that was ok too. It wasn’t about me repairing or saving these relationships with the motive of keeping them on the back burner “just in case” or a desire to have them miss me like I had done before. It was not easy-at all, but when you do these acts that involve employing God to give you courage to face yourself, magical stuff begins to happen. No joke. The ether shifts, the universe starts to support you in your efforts to realign back to your creator. It’s freaking amazing and NO drug. or relationship or earthen reward can touch the feeling of the purity of love that comes from getting in sequential order with the One.
There are no shortcuts or half measures. The wide arch that I freely walked into has become a narrow path that I happily trudge daily.