Contempt Prior to Investigation
While considering a topic for this week I opened the Big Book – not sure what I was looking for, but looking none the less. I ended up in the back of the book – reading the Appendices – landing on #2 Spiritual Experience.
Initially I thought that what fit for me right now was to share about my own spiritual experience. But after reading I found at the end a quote from Herbert Spencer – – and this is what really fits where I am right now – in the moment.
“There is a principal which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a (wo)man in everlasting ignorance —–that principal in contempt prior to investigation.”
Today, I think my spiritual experience can be found in this quote. I was a world class screw up. It was my claim to fame ! For real. I started drinking and drugging at an early age and there wasn’t much I thought I could do well in life – – other than get high. People in my family got high, I got high, my friends got high, and many of my neighbors got high (and still get high!). It was expected.
Throughout the years I learned, very well, to hate myself – for the things I did, for the things I didn’t do, and basically for being me. In 1991 I put the needle down. I put the bottle down too, but picked it back up several times since then. I have been in and out of AA over the years – lately more out than in.
But over the years I have done some things that have allowed change to my life. I received my HS diploma, I went to college, I went to Grad School, I have been at the same job for almost 10 yrs, I own a home (though at times I miss the “ghetto”!), and I have a wonderful partner AND more important than anything else — I have a 10 yr old daughter who lights up my life! For real.
More recently I have gotten a sponsor, I am working the steps with my sponsor…I am making a conscious effort to be honest. My life has gotten better, and at some level, God has helped me to get better on the inside too. HOWEVER, I find myself judging myself based on the past – – despite the evidence of change in the present. And this is what the quote made me see – – that I am not fair to myself. Everyone else is ok – but not me – I am a bad person…rewind…everyone else is ok but not me !!!
Well, this has to stop. I have to ask God to help me – not only with forgiving other people – – but with forgiving myself. I was the victim of others actions for a very long time — but not lately — lately I have been a victim of my own contempt…what better way to stay a drunk, right?
So, I would like to hear whatever it is you have to say – – on this topic or on another. Because you never know where you are going to find what you need at the moment — I never expected to find it in the back of the book!