Dealing With Loss
Hi beautiful GROWING women. My name is Alison B. and I am an alcoholic. Thank you so much for the birthday wishes this past week!
I had an interesting experience this morning. It is not exactly how I chose to begin my day. It went something like this. My home group is “Chicks with Chips”, and we have a Step Study on Thursday evening. Last Thursday I noticed I did not have my 12×12 Step Study book in my car in its usual spot when I arrived at my meeting. No big deal. I made a mental note to look for it when I got home. I forgot all about it until this morning. I recalled meeting my Sponsor a week ago to go over my Step 1. I had taken my books and notepad into the restaurant when I met with her. I was pretty sure I must have forgotten the bag of books at the restaurant. No big deal. I simply called the restaurant. Well, they did not have my bag of books.
Here is where things began to accelerate for me…….I began an earnest search of the house. Mostly my office, as that is where I would have left it. I checked my car twice. I began to get anxious. I simply could not find them anywhere. My former sponsor gave me that Step Study book 26 years ago. And my Big Book was almost as old. I had so many tidbits of wisdom from the women of AA in that little step book. I began to cry. I had lost so much wisdom. I went out to the shop to cry on my husband’s shoulder. He was sympathetic. He helped me look again.
We checked the car together, we looked in closets together. My tears subsided. I sat down at my desk and began to look for the silver lining. I realized I was beginning the 12 Steps again, in part to celebrate my 26 years of sobriety, but also because I felt a bit complacent with my program. As I had lost my books, I figured my Higher Power must want me to begin with new books. Why else would I have lost them? I grieved for my lost memory a bit too. Not just the ones I had written in the book, but my 63 year old mind just does not remember stuff like it used too. This has become a bit of a problem for me. Oh, I can still find my way home, lol, but I struggle with small stuff now on a regular basis. (Post-its have become my external brain. That and the “Notes” App in my phone!) I realized that I was grieving as much for my mostly short term memory loss as I was for the loss of my special AA books. At this point I paused.
I let go. I let go of the books and my sadness, and all of it. I chose to trust that God had the perfect plan for me. I would simply go purchase new books on Monday. That’s when it happened. My husband walks into my office for a second time. He reaches over beside me. And right there on the shelf were my books! (By now I was pretty sure that I must have been a little too attached.) I was also sure that God was right there with me the whole time. I had not had an occasion to cry like that in a long time. In fact, it has been a few years since I had felt such loss and the sadness that goes along with it. It was cathartic for me. It was all perfect. It was all part of a divine plan for me. Once again I am restored to sanity. I am grounded. I have a much better contact with my Higher Power right now than I did when I got up this morning.
I am losing my short term memory, ever so slowly. It is the natural course of this aging process. God has a plan for me. It will all work out perfectly. I have less vested in the outcome of my plans today. That is that. Tomorrow I will begin Step 2. If truth be told, I began Step 2 this morning. Lol In conclusion, it turns out I cannot ever “lose” the wisdom that I have acquired from years of Step Study meetings with AA women. It is apparently a part of my tapestry. There is magic in working the 12 Steps!