Got HP (Higher Power?)
Hello Ladies of GROW, and happy mom’s day to whom celebrate. Mother’s day depending on the day it lands is both a joy and sad for me. If it lands on May 9th, that is the day my grandmother passed away. It also happens to be my brother’s bday…yikes.
The reason I bring this up and it is bitter sweet each year as it passes is that my grandmother was a very special lady…not only in her own way, but to me also. She was the only person in my life growing up that gave me unconditional love and accepted me just the way I was. Don’t get me wrong, my mom is a very special lady too, I can see that now in recovery!! I didn’t always feel that way, but she had the daughnting task of raising not only one but two addicted children and I also had very severe Learning Disabilities and ADHD in a time when they didn’t know much about it….so while my mom was doing her best to keep me in check which was a lot of times ended up in yelling…my grandmother (and father for that matter) were my buffers. I am blessed that today in recovery (going on 18 plus years) my mom and I have a wonderful relationship!! I do miss my grandma tho even tho tomorrow it will be 22 years since her passing….ok, on to the topic…
The reason why I bring up my grandma is becuz when I first arrived into the program, they told me that I needed to go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps…awesome…no worries….went to meetings (I was ready to), got a sponsor, but then came the steps….step one…got it….step two…ummmm….ooookkkkkk….step three….eeeeeerrrtttttt….at a stand still….I need GOD or HP in my life?? hmmmm…not sure about that one….so my sponsor said to me, “It just needs to be greater then yourself…it can be a door knob….an animal….a feeling….the AA group and meetings…GOD–Good Orderly Direction—HP–Higher Power (greater then yourself). So…ok…I think I can do that….I adopted my grandmother’s cat when she passed. It waas a living thing that I felt my grandma’s energy with, so…I started talking to the cat (she didn’t answer back….or did she??? smiles) but I started to do what would eventually become prayer to me. I sensed my grandmother around me, I could still hear her words of wisdom and that got me by until I could actually form what my HP looked like.
Today, it is the rooms of AA, the ladies words, the breeze that wisps by me when I am praying for faith and understanding, it is an unconditional love feeling that something out there is taking care of me. When I have difficulty turning things over, or feeling stuck and not “feeling” HP, my network of ladies or for sure my sponsor will say something that allows me to get back to faith and HP.
So, today, without my HP (along with everything else mentioned) I know for a fact, I would not be able to stay sober….or…maybe stay sober, but not sane and I kinda prefer both!! smiles…I have done the dry drunk thing….didn’t drink…but wasn’t sane either, and it wasn’t pretty….I prefer HP in my life today…
For those ladies who are new….finding your God of Your Understand, HP, is and doesn’t need to be as hard or scarey as it may have been in childhood. I loved that my first sponsor gave me permission to let go of that HP and find an adult one, one that worked for me…again, so long as it wasn’t me….my prayer for the newcommer is that you find your HP and learn to turn it over….
So with that, Got HP?? and what does she/he/it mean to you?? or talk about whatever you may need to share!!