The topic I have chosen for this week is “Masks We Use” Or, how we hide our true selves, sometimes even from ourselves.
The topic I read from last week seemed to be “Imposter Syndrome”. I think that Masks fits right along with that.
Still, in many ways, I feel like such an imposter. And I often will put on a mask of being capable, of having it all together, of knowing exactly how to handle everything that comes my way, of being smarter or more serene than I actually am, and so on…..
Some of the time, I am conscious of putting on the mask. . . I am trying to hide just how messed up I am, or how much I’m struggling at the moment. Other times, it seems to be my way of coping or dealing with a situation at the time. I’ll put on a smile when I feel like screaming, I’ll say: “Oh yeah, I’m okay”, when actually I just want to crawl off into a corner and cry. I rarely use the word “FINE” because many of us know what that means. . . F****d-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Sometimes I will use it because I am really feeling messed up and don’t know how to deal with it and want to push people away.
The times I am really concerned about are when I’m trying to hide from myself. Often because I just don’t want to face what’s going on, or face my (glaring) character defects. I think my sponsor picks up on this, because she will “call me on my s**t”. I have a few other people who will do the same. I don’t like it when it’s happening, but I am definitely grateful that it does. . . it forces me to be honest with myself.
Some of the masks I use work similarly to those worn because of the pandemic. . . either to protect me, or to protect others. I just need to use masks for their necessary purpose, and not to hide from myself or others. There are clear shields that protect but do not hide.
What masks do you use? Do you find yourself using the figurative masks less as you grow in your program?
I look forward to reading your shares.
Pat S