Apr 11: Personality Changes in Sobriety

When I first came to the tables I was told that AA would not only help me to stop drinking but would improve my whole way of life. The only thing I was focused on and desperate to achieve was drinking control because it was ruining my life. I did not think these changes could be real. I had no other choice though, this was my last stop and I had to try AA or die. So I followed the winners and did what they did. I took it one day at a time, worked the steps, did service work, went to meetings, got a sponsor and stayed connected to AA every day. I white-knuckled it through my first year, keeping my head down and barely noticing anything other than my desperation to stay sober.

When using I was always trying to turn things to my advantage, playing the puppetmaster and manipulating others. I was so dishonest. I lied to my spouse and kids about my drinking, lied at work about why I was not feeling well (hungover), lied to cover up my mistakes and always blamed them on someone else, on and on. I felt victorious when I could sneak a drink and no one else knew (I thought). My life was run by fear of being found out, fired, divorced, broke, without my kids, without friends etc. I was a self centered, mean and argumentative mess. I was always constantly on high alert and anxious which was exhausting.

I am not sure when the changes within me started. I gave it some thought some time into working my program and I realized that I was slowly turning into another person entirely. I was amazed! Somehow working through the steps I learned honesty and being true to myself. When I could do something dishonest I did not because I would know what I did, others finding out was secondary. The program taught me humility for the gifts I received from it and my HP.  AA brought me to a place of second thoughts because wrong actions would have to be accounted for with amends if I were to stay sober. So much of my fear had left me and I was able to do things I had never had the courage to do before. I could go on for days about all the personality changes for the better this program and my HP have caused within me. I truly feel like a different person who shed the reactive, dishonest, arrogant bully I used to be.

This program is a blessing as I not only stopped drinking but changed from the inside out. I am proud of who I am today.

Lynn

Apr 04: Step 4

Step 4: Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves. [BB 4th Edition, Ch. 5: How It Works, pg. 59]

I have two adult daughters, one in San Diego, another in Portland OR. The eldest, in OR, gave birth to her first child, a son named Andrew, last June. I made an opportunity to visit him that July by flying into San Diego, quarantining with my younger daughter there for two weeks, she & I both got tested & received negative results, thank God, & then drove up to Portland, bringing all our own sheets, towels & food, along with barrels of disinfectant, so that the one overnight in Sacramento was made with as minimal contact with other people or things as humanly possible. Our temperatures were taken the moment we walked in my daughter’s door, both of us normal, & as soon as we’d showered & changed clothes, loved on Andy & his parents with wild & joyous abandon. I have the privilege to visit again in a couple of weeks, a little less rigorous prospect now that all of us have been fully vaccinated. I’m quite deliriously happy about this but for one detail. The girls’ dad, my husband of 28 yrs. & now ex, also lives in the Portland area. And *dun dun duuun cue ominous music here* Portland has not been big enough for the two of us since our divorce more than ten years ago.

But I’m a recovering alcoholic now. I’ve been handed the keys to the sobriety kingdom by Bill W. & Dr. Bob. I’ve worked through all the steps once, the first three several times before they finally took. I included my ex-husband on my fourth step personal inventory, I saw then & continue to uncover what my faults contributed to the unrest in our marriage & ultimately our divorce. I know I need to make amends there, & because this one’s a big one, probably the biggest, I believe it needs to be done in person. Which means my potential opportunity to do so is a couple weeks away. But can I be honest with you? I really, really want to do this only once with him if at all possible, I want to get it right with as much honesty & humility as he deserves & as is fitting. And did I mention I only want to have to do it once?! So I ask you: What have you found to be the most effective questions to ask of yourself for making a painstakingly thorough Step 4?
Please feel free to share on this topic, or on any other that’s clamoring to be explored. Thanks in advance for sharing your experience, strength & hope. It’s a privilege to be in your company.
Gratefully,
Julie

Mar 28: Clearing A Channel / Favorite Prayer

Greetings!  Pulled today’s topic from As Bill Sees It p.78: 

During the day, we can pause where situations must be met and decisions made, and renew the simple request “Thy will, not mine, be done.  If at these points our emotional disturbance happens to be great, we will more surely keep our balance provided we remember, and repeat to ourselves, a particular prayer or phrase that has appealed to us in our reading or meditation. Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all—our search for God’s will, not our own, in the moment of stress.

Last month, I shared on a topic about COVID and our recovery.  I opened about the trials and tribulations of this past year.  I was in awe of everything I had to deal with once it was put on paper.  Sometimes, like the reading, my prayer is simple:  “help me”, “your will, not mine”, and serenity prayer as a mantra.  Life is still a little crazy as we transition back to in-person meetings.  Seeking His will and asking for help to navigate throughout the day is paramount.  As a newcomer, I heard a speaker share about a verse (and I paraphrase) “your name is carved into the palm of my hand and I will call you by your name”.  Picturing this huge hand with my name on the palm and finding comfort carried me throughout my first year.  Sometimes, it’s as simple as “help me”. 

What is your favorite prayer, a “go to” in seeking HP’s will for you?  Feel free to share.

Nicole

Mar 21: Seeking God’s Will

“To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.” Pg 46 Big Book

 Thank you for the opportunity to be of service to the group this week.  My name is Alison B. and I am an alcoholic.  Welcome new members and congratulations to anyone celebrating this week.  Also thank you for all of the birthday emails too.  I first found the GROW meeting in 2012 when I was in China for a year with my husband for his employment.  It was a rough year as there was so much isolation.  What I did not know was just how well that prepared me for this past pandemic year.  Thank you all for being a part of my continued sobriety today.

I have been having this word pop up for me a lot lately.  Seek.

1.attempt to find (something).

“they came here to seek shelter from biting winter winds”

2.attempt or desire to obtain or achieve (something).

“the new regime sought his extradition”

3.ask for (something) from someone.

“she sought help from a higher power”

I heard someone share in a meeting many years ago that he had realized that his sobriety was all about the seeking of God’s will.  For me that translates to I must remain humble, and teachable.  It is difficult to teach something to a “know it all”.  So it is my job to get out of the way of my own self, lol.  This seeking stuff requires me to take some action.

(Sometimes for me a word is also defined by its opposite and in this case that looks like this:  seek. Antonyms: ignore, disregard, avoid, shun, elude, discard, abandon, relinquish, drop.)

To the newcomer, AA provides the fellowship that they seek and a safe harbor.  (You’re about to get a boat load of mariner analogies, lol) In seeking or looking for a solution to my inability to stop drinking I have found so much grace.  I did not need to understand exactly how this AA stuff worked; I just needed to listen to you gals to understand that it does indeed work wonders.  And then I needed to trust in the process.  It is up to me to be rigorously honest with myself and those around me.  I’ve been reading a little book recently called “A New Pair of Glasses” by Chuck C.  He shares about the “Golden Key” to this thing called life is rigorous self-honesty.  I was a sailor for many years; I lived aboard my sailboat in Mexico with my husband and my kids.  (That is where I sobered up)  In order for me to survive in that environment I had to pay attention to my surroundings at all times.  I developed an intuition for hazards.  Am I too close to shore?  Are those wave patterns a sign of submerged rocks?  Is the wind beginning to shift?  Do I need to adjust my sails?  Am I staying on course?  Am I holding on to something?

I find that the journey in AA is much like a journey at sea.  “Stay in the boat” you said.  “Avoid hazards and slippery places” you said.  Go into your own mind with a sponsor/guide, don’t spend too much time alone.  “Do the work”; you said.  Keep your sails in good order, keep your waterline clean.

So today I continue to seek the will of my Higher Power as I understand Him/Her.  For it is in the seeking that I find peace.  I get there by using my personal radar, lol.  I keep my Higher Power on the screen at all times.  And I let the God of my understanding plot my course and captain my ship.  It is the easier, softer way.  I pray today.  I have come to rely on my intuition once again.  I keep my side of the street clean and if I have made a mess I clean it up quickly.  My sobriety is a precious gift and I will not put it at risk.  My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other women achieve sobriety.

So, share a little about how you seek the will of your Higher Power today.  Or anything else that might have resonated for you.

Blessings,

Alison B.

Mar 14: A World of the Spirit

We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

The word “entered” . . . and the phrase “entered into the world of the Spirit” are very significant. They imply action, a beginning, getting into, a prerequisite to maintaining my spiritual growth, the “Spirit” being the immaterial part of me. Barriers to my spiritual growth are self-centeredness and a materialistic focus on worldly things. Spirituality means devotion to spiritual instead of worldly things, it means obedience to God’s will for me. I understand spiritual things to be: unconditional love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and humility. Any time I allow selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear to be a part of me, I block out spiritual things. As I maintain my sobriety, growing spiritually becomes a lifelong process. My goal is spiritual growth, accepting that I’ll never have spiritual perfection.  — DAILY REFLECTIONS; MARCH 13, p 81

My spiritual condition today is dependent on how I start my day. I suffer from a huge ego which can blind me with false pride. I’m prone to self pity and self obsession. But I forget that.

So as soon as I wake up I have to do something specific to help me remember. So I start my day with a  prayer.

The Seventh Step Prayer is as follows: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.” –ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 76

I add:

I need help to stay out of my own way. Help remember to put other people first. Help me remember I’m not better or worse I’m just one of many. Help me remember that everything is not about me. Help me be kind, loving, forgiving, compassionate and gently with my thoughts, actions and words.

Just for today, help me to remember that my life is a gift,

that my health is a blessing, that this new day is filled with awesome potential, that I have the capacity to bring something wholly new and unique and good into this world.

Just for today, help me to remember that I am a kind, patient, tolerant, forgiving and loving woman and help me show those parts to the people who love me, and to those who work with me too.

Help me to remember to see all the beauty in myself and in others that I so often ignore, and to listen to the silent longing of my own soul.

Just for today, help me to remember You and that “Spiritual awakening … begins with knowledge and acceptance of the truth about myself”.

Please share on how you “enter the world of the spirit” or maintain your spiritual condition or anything else that has to do with your sobriety.

And then thanks to the gift of zoom I almost always get to a morning meeting.

Hugs

Banal

Mar 07: Step 3

The topic for the week is about Step Three “Made a decision to turn our will and life over to the care of God as we understood him”.

 First, I wold like to say thank you for having me lead this meeting for this week. When I knew the topic would be the third step, I did some reading from the 12 by 12, looked online and read a pamphlet from Hazelden about step three.

After I read this step, I was reminded step three is broken down into three parts.

1)      Our decision

2)      Turning our will and lives over

3)      God as we understand him

When I look at our decision, I am often remembered of the story of the three frogs sitting on a rock and one of the frogs made the decision to jump to the Lilly pad, how many frogs are left. When I first heard this story, I immediately said two and was told no there are three because the one frog just made the decision, he has not acted on his decision.

When I read the words turning our will over, I am reminded that we, I am turning over my will or you can say that I am getting out of my own way which I often do, but I am getting better I am realizing when I am getting in my own way, and that my mind and soul is being restored to a balance and peace is entering my life in many ways.  In short, I realize and keep needing to be reminded  that I am not in control that my HP is in control and I need to stay in the wheelbarrow and let my HP guide me, not me tell my HP to let me drive the wheelbarrow which I have tried to do and still try and life gets every chaotic but with time in recovery and the healing of my past trauma I am more quick to see when I am trying to , crawl out of or standing up in  the wheelbarrow and I have tools to be reminded where my place is and who is really in control.

God as we, I understand him, I did not have to struggle with the concept of God. I was raised Catholic and I did not question his exitance however what I had to work through was my feeling and views that he hated me and had it out for me. I want have conversations with my HP and make deals that went something like God if you do this or allows this to happen then I will do —_. Or I would turn my back on God because of the pain and hurt that I went through and thought why talk to him he created this mess and wants me to suffer.  As time passed my relationship with my HP changed and today the conversations are much different. I am often reminded of the third step prayer.

The Third Step Prayer from page 63 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

(From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

“God, I offer myself to Thee-
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!”

LET IT GO!

For me when I made and keep making the decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we, I, understand my life becomes more settled or more balance and my wheelbarrow stays on the path that my HP has created for me even during the turbulent times which happens in life. I understand today that life is not living on the extremes it is living in the gray area, my HP is in control and has a path for me to live which includes all of you ladies who have graced me with your shares. Thank you.

Thank you and with this I look forward to everyone shares on the third step.

I wish you ladies another 24 hours of sobriety.

Mary O

Wisconsin

 

Feb 28: Service as a Tool for Growth

When I first came into AA my focus was solely on staying sober and trying to stay that way.  All I really knew was to go to as many meetings as possible, read my Big Book, pray, get a sponsor, and work the steps.

That was good.  I started to grow, I listened at meetings, shared when it was my turn, and started learning about the steps and traditions.

I was encouraged to participate, and to share in service with smaller tasks:  setting up the room, chairs, tables, books, snacks, coffee, and clearing/cleaning after the meeting.  During those times, I sometimes had someone to share the duty and talk to.

I was encouraged to greet people as they came into the room.  “Hi!  I’m Pat!  It’s good to see you!”  With a smile and an out-stretched hand.

After a few months I was encouraged to chair meetings, and participate in business meetings.

Once I had the required length of sobriety, I was encouraged to accept a service position.

Each of these steps have taught me to look outside myself, to think of others, and how to work the principles of the program.

I know there are more ways of doing service.  I have grown as I have participated, and want to continue to learn more.

How have you learned and grown through service?

Feb 21: AA during Covid-19

Good Afternoon all dear GROW members, my name is Nancy C & I am an alcoholic. We are currently in the midst of a snow storm so I’m sending this early in case my power goes off!!

 The past year has been unlike any we have ever experienced before. AA Meetings postponed when we needed them the most. Many losing jobs & homes and having friends & family sick and dying has been such a terrible experience.

 I got sober 24 years ago on another AA Women’s email group & wow, I’m so glad that I have always had online AA , especially now! I have attended some AA Zoom Meetings and connect with my AA friends by phone, text, email & zoom. We are fortunate to have these connections.

 I live alone and have turned into pretty much a hermit, but….a safe hermit, who uses the connections I have to keep in touch & check on others safely.

 I would like to hear how you have made out this year, do you use zoom, do you use online email groups more, do you miss hugs (I sure do!!) It should be interesting to see how we are all coping with COVID-19

 Or share on what may be bothering you at this time.

 Thank you for letting me Chair this week,

Tight AA Hugs

Nancy C

Feb 14: Saying Goodbye

I’m writing tonight on my second sobriety birthday, on the eve of a big move to make the United States my home for the first time in 5 years. This is the first time I’m saying goodbyes, fully feeling the grief and hope that come with them.

I’m making this move because I realized this past year that I need to start standing on my own two feet. For the first time though, I’m not just doing a cut and run, hiding from people and consequences. I slowly considered possibilities and outcomes. I moved towards what felt honest and right, decisions that felt like they flowed instead of fought my life river.

Then it took a lot of conversations with my sponsor, chats with other sober women/close friends/family members, prayer and meditation to finally make the decisions to end my relationship of 6 years, leave a career and lifestyle I’ve been pursuing and move home to get grounded. With this move I’m also having to say goodbye to my beloved dogs.

The grief is real. Closing the door on all of this is heartbreaking. However, the hope I feel for a stable and safe life is substantial. I can feel that I’m making the right decisions even through this pain. I can only describe this feeling as a warm confidence which grows with the fact that things are falling into place as I lean into the move. It feels like I’m finally cleaning up chaotic, drunk Sarah’s life and am learning to be an adult. A lot of painful goodbyes as I step into stability.

I’m doing my best to be present with people as I say these goodbyes. To laugh and play and enjoy the time we have left. To allow myself to share the pain I feel and cry when I need it. To really listen to the feelings of others. To be sincere in saying I love you or I’ll miss you.

It’s hard and different for this selfish alcoholic, but good and necessary.

So with that, I would love to hear from you all with much more experience than I on how you have moved gracefully through your own goodbyes.

Thank you for letting me share and the meeting is now open!

Big hugs,

Sarah M

Feb 07: Step 2

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. ” (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 87)

This paragraph in our Big Book goes on to say that if we do this we are in less danger of becoming fearful, angry, worried or making foolish decisions. We won’t burn up energy needlessly.

There are times in my life when making decisions, big or small, is a hard thing to do.  Right now, it’s whether to respond to my older son about something that’s happening (he’s an active alcoholic) or just leave it alone. This time seems different– like it does require a response, when usually I do nothing and leave it in God’s hands. BUT– I’m not sure I trust my own head with what seems right just now! So I am doing nothing for this one day.

I’m finding the third lockdown here in the UK hard going. I live alone. For almost a year it’s been isolation, and not doing normal things like swimming, meeting a friend for coffee or lunch in town or visiting someone. I’m tired emotionally right now. I’ve just had a tooth extracted and so had spent a week in pain, which wears you down. I recently began to use a cpap mask at nights and although it’s bringing great results it’s left my sinuses blocked and lips chapped and sore. I’m in a bit of a sorry state physically right now. Emotionally, I know I’m fine, that fundamentally all is well.  Feelings are not facts. Often when I’m growing the most I’m feeling like s***!!

You know, as I sit here writing this, I feel peace in my heart. I’m not blocked with resentment or self pity. I attend some great Zoom meetings. Fear, yes, can come in, insecurity about the future. I have to bring it back right to the here and now. And to realise  my powerlessness over people, places and things. I either give all to God or I give nothing. There are no half measures.

I invite you to share on this topic of powerlessness in your lives, ladies.

Love

Louise

Jan 31: Praying and Listening for God’s Will

Our Higher Power gives us the beacon light of abstinence, and with it He gives guidance out of our perplexities. Patiently waiting until we clearly see His will keeps us from getting lost in the darkness of self-will.”  Quoted from the Hazelden app “Food for Thought”

Being raised in an agnostic environment, daily conversations with God (let alone trusting a Higher Power to help me manage my life) was a foreign concept.  As an adult, I relied solely on willpower (i.e., self-will) to navigate every challenge I faced.  While I appeared successful from the outside looking in, I always ended up in the same place internally, repeating the self-destructive patterns of behavior.  I looked for solace, security, love and comfort in all the wrong places – an abundance of drugs, booze, sex, food… you get the idea. 

Not anymore… I’m grateful to say that for the past 6 years up until today, this program has me on a different journey.  After 64 years on earth I am capable of significant change, who would have guessed?  Today, I rely on God for abstinence of several ‘addictions’ – to help me not pick up that drink, not shove that gigantic piece of cake down the pie hole, not behave like the emotional mess I used to be.  Yet the notion of surrendering these desires to Him instead of relying on self-will is still an uncomfortable reach at times.  Lately I find myself asking, am I praying right?  Am I truly open and listening for His will?  Will I recognize His ‘signal’ when it’s staring me in the face, or be selfishly oblivious to it all, preoccupied and distracted with the minutia of life? 

I recognize that these are personal questions that only I can answer for myself.  Yet I wanted to present this topic to all of you famously articulate sisters for any insights you might like to share about this aspect of your journeys.  I am so grateful to have the 12 steps and all of you in my life!

Please feel free to share about this topic or any other that is on your mind.

Susan P.

Jan 24: The Problem With Self

Recently I have been finding myself quite irritable, restless and discontent about my romantic relationship, life situation and day to day life. I feel like I work a pretty good program so even though this kept being the case, I was basically lying to myself saying I was ok and that other people around me just had issues. After all, I write a gratitude list everyday, I participate in meetings, I sponsor others, I have a sponsor, I go on Zoom, I listen to speaker meetings and step workshops, I pray, I meditate, I mean I am good right?

But that inner me was still all huffy and puffy… and at home the outer me’s body language was standoffish and attitudinal, my tone of voice had become sarcastic and apathetic…literally any time I “had to be” around other humans I would find myself acting like this. I even got in a few fights with my boyfriend where I really did not act recovered whatsoever. I cried like a baby, I stomped my feet like a toddler having a tantrum, I was accusatory and rude and took another persons inventory…more than once. The queen and the baby of my ego were in full effect in my romantic relationship.

But, I told myself, it’s just with him. Everyone else in my life I get along with great, everyone else in my life I’m loving, tolerant and kind to. So obviously I tell myself he’s the problem and I’m just gonna go along my merry way.

And for a while I’d been sweeping it under the rug with the exterior world of sponsor, friends, program fellows…just pretending life was a-ok, but behind the scenes really not being a very fun person to actually live around for my boyfriend, stepson, pets, or myself.

So one day, I decided to tell the truth about this newfound bitchiness of mine to my sponsor and some program friends. I received much experience, strength and hope and also um, my program friends helped set me straight. This in turn got me doing a lot of self examination and also re-reading the Twelve and Twelve and the first 164 pages of my Big Book. It’s astounding how much I forget even though I’ve read both these volumes so many times there are sections I have truly memorized.

As always, the readings are hitting home and certain passages have been turning points in thinking of myself less, and thinking of others more. Of admitting I am really just so powerless without Gods help, and that life sure does get unmanageable when I once again try to control the show. It constantly blows my mind how sneaky this disease is, how my ego or self-seeking behaviors can subtly get to work again. I swear there are moments in sobriety where I’m just as clueless as to this disease working inside me as when I was drinking. It’s like the Twelve and Twelve says in Step Two:

Few indeed are the practicing alcoholics who have any idea how irrational they are, or seeing their irrationality, can bear to face it. Some will be willing to term themselves “problem drinkers,” but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill. They are abetted in this blindness by a world which does not understand the difference between sane drinking and alcoholism. “Sanity” is defined as “soundness of mind.” Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his own moral fiber, can claim “soundness of mind” for himself. From Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions “Step Two” page 31-32

It has been a long time since I have had a drink or even romanced the thought of one. Over ten years I have in this journey of sobriety. But this disease of alcoholism still gets me, it still will make it very difficult to bear facing my irrationality.
My ego loves to try and convince me that I’m perfectly ok without Gods help. That if I just listen to my “self” and try and “run the show” based on “self propulsion” things will actually be just fine, thank you very much. Like if I’m irritated by my boyfriend that’s just my business, that’s nothing I have to concern God about, plus wouldn’t God of course just agree with me that he’s being an ass and tell him to stop?! Because wouldn’t God see what this man is doing to poor little me?

So following that line of distorted thinking…of course I have the right to roll my eyes, give short responses, stomp around the house, make rude comments, act passive aggressive, that’s all just fine for me to do because he deserves it, because poor me, this would really be how it would go in my head and I would really accept this as sane thinking and acting. Because if he would just act right, I wouldn’t even do any of this type of behavior, it’s his fault, he’s making me act this way.

Yikes!

See, the thing is, as an alcoholic, this almost always turns out badly. Like in my home, all my discontent with how things are and how we function, it was a big game of trying to control a person other than myself so that basically I could ignore myself and my problems, thus allowing my ego to reconstruct, distorted thinking to take hold, character defects to ooze out my pores. And that really is a huge problem because if left untreated….these unchecked distorted thinking patterns quickly turn to distorted drinking (and for me drugging and other self-sabotaging) patterns. So I really can’t live this way! My ego would always rather have drama and division than sanity and serenity and will somehow convince me that being a control freak and lashing out on others is actually helpful and kind. The Big Book gives my favorite example ever of this dilemma in “How it Works”:

…any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic ¬trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Over and over and over again these passages from the 12 and 12 and the Big Book produce humility and honesty from me after those episodes of life on life’s terms that get my ego roaring all over again. Indeed, I am irrational. Indeed, I am selfish and self centered. Indeed, this disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

But each and every time I find myself in a conundrum, in some sort of situation I really messed all up…The hand of AA is waiting for me, my sponsor will guide me, the fellowship will love me, the steps will save me from myself and the traditions will save us from each other. And for that, holy cow, am I grateful beyond words to take inventory, share it with my sponsor, recognize character defects, be willing and ask to have them removed and make amends to those I’ve harmed. Because it saves my life and keeps me from having to die an alcoholic death.

Thank you so much for allowing me to keep coming back, to keep growing, to keep learning with you one day at a time.

Please share on anything this sharing and these two passages from the Twelve and Twelve and Big Book bring up for you in your journey of recovery. For me, they have been two of the most powerful pieces of literature I have experienced. They lead me back to the solution, remind me that yes, it actually is ME that’s the problem or at least the thing I can work on for today.

Thank you for the honor of chairing this meeting.

Jan 17: Moment of Clarity

Carolyn, Alcoholic and grateful to be here today – grateful to be anywhere.

Thinking about a topic for today I started to think about the day – today is my son’s 26th birthday. He came into this world while I was still out there. I didn’t drink much while pregnant with him and I tried not to smoke… today I think about that and cringe at the selfishness. With my second child, the same. I chose not to nurse so that I could get back to my drinking and drugs. I was so excited and proud that my daughter chose to nurse her daughter.

I got to my first meeting when they were 7 and 8 years old – of course I would have liked to have gotten here a bit sooner but I know now that I wasn’t ready.

The topic for today could be knowing, and believing that we are ready to end that way of life. There were so many times when I knew how I was living was not good for my family but I couldn’t stop – I prayed for the willingness to want to stop – for THEM. I felt so selfish but just couldn’t wait to get messed up and forget who I was and what I was and who I had become. The exact moment that I knew it was enough is when I found a strength I had no idea I had. I put the drink down – I put the drug down and I started the process. Started making the phone calls that changed my life.

I look back on that night then the next morning and it was as if I was being led and all the pieces came together ‘magically’. There was nothing else different about that night. It was like every night for the past 20 years…

I get to this program, get a sponsor and work the steps. I was willing to go to any length to get what I saw you all had. God – it was not easy but it was worth it. I look back and think about it all. Seems like yesterday but then seems like a lifetime – it was both actually. I need to keep that feeling of knowing I was given a true Moment of Clarity on the night of April 30th, 2004 and began my sober journey the next day.

Today I am a different person but the same… I am REAL and have PURPOSE. I am not lost 🙂

Please share on what you may get from this share – or on anything you may need to

Thank you so much for the opportunity to chair this meeting.

Jan 10: Complacency v Willingness

Not every year sober is note-worthy, but this past one certainly has been. Yesterday I celebrated 33 years in recovery. Since I was an every-day drinker, I think of it as being sober 12,053 contiguous days. I could not not-drink under my own power and will. It wasn’t until I finally surrendered, went to treatment and joined Alcoholics Anonymous that I could get through a whole day without drinking. It still awes me that this program works, and works so well.

In early sobriety I had the gift of desperation to open my ears and shut my mouth to learn how to do this. It was from people in the room sharing their experience-in-the-raw that taught me how to tackle anything without having to drink. No Matter What.

I didn’t have a Higher Power in those early days but knew I was not staying sober on my own so each morning I would ask TWIMC (To Whom It May Concern) for help to stay sober this day, and every night I would thank It for another day sober.

Once I had a few years in the program I feared picking up a drink less, and learned to fear complacency more. I’ve known people relapse who die before they make it back in. I know people who decided AA was not their chosen path and dropped the program. One of whom had 30 years. All of whom stopped attending meetings long before they relapsed. And then COVID-19 hit and all the meeting places closed.

I believe “meeting makers make it” so what happens when we can’t meet? On-line AA has been part of my recovery since 1997. Through it my program was enriched by all the women who share their experience-in-the-raw in emails to the group who show me how we do this thing one day at a time. I’ve been blessed by being able to meet some of you in person; become friends with some of you through the 20+ years since. I often hope that women who are just discovering our group manage to develop long-lasting friendships with other women in the group like we early-timers did.

But what about local newcomers who are given that gift of desperation in a pandemic? Where do they go to find a welcoming group in an AA meeting room? At a time when it would have been so easy to feel complacent about staying sober after all this time, COVID-19 sparked a resurgence of 12 step work instead. Within 2 days, people had set up zoom equivalents of many of our local face-to-face meetings. The state AA website was updated with zoom credentials as fast as meetings were set up. Those of us who had lots of email addresses sent out notices of zoom meetings to everyone we could, and asked others to pass them along to their contacts.

As a result, we have some newbies who have never been to a face-to-face meeting but are staying sober and learning how to work a program of recovery via virtual meetings. In my local meetings we have three women, one had 8 months, one who had 10 months and another who celebrated a year sober all in December. Bearing witness to their willingness to do what it takes to learn how to live a sober, joyful life is a privilege. It knocks complacency out of my attitude like brushing snow off my shoulders.

I think complacency and willingness-to-learn are flip sides of the coin of sobriety. These youngsters struggling to understand our program, the steps, daring to pick up the phone and establish connections with others, and not drinking for one more day really are the most important people in the room. They keep it Kelly green for me and remind me that I don’t ever want to have to repeat one moment of early sobriety ever again. And to do that, all I need to do is pay attention and be willing to learn from others.

As always, feel free to share on topic or whatever is impacting your sobriety right now. This is your meeting.

Thank you for letting me chair the meeting this week. Thank you for helping keep me safe and sober. Thanks to all our Trusted Servants who make this meeting possible.

Mari Ann

Jan 03: Step 1

I was in total denial of my alcoholism for most of my drinking. There was a lot of evidence confirming how unmanageable my life was due to alcohol, but I would not – could not – accept that I was an alcoholic. I felt justified in the amount of alcohol I consumed because if you’d been through what I’d experienced while growing up you’d also drink the way I drank! And of course, hanging out with people who also drank alcoholically allowed me to pretend I drank normally, even though the non-alcoholics in my life knew otherwise and occasionally tried to tell me. The fact that I was never an everyday drinker, I’d never lost a job due to alcohol, and I never drank in the morning fuelled my denial, helping me to refuse to believe I was an alcoholic.

However, after drinking alcoholically for about ten years I started blacking out almost every time I drank. I also got behind the wheel of a car more frequently when drunk. But even the horrors I went through after coming to from a blackout, e.g., not knowing how I ended up wherever I was, not knowing what I’d done with the person sleeping next to me, being so physically ill that I couldn’t even keep down water (I believe I came close to poisoning myself one time with the amount of alcohol I’d drunk), couldn’t penetrate my denial. I wasn’t an alcoholic, and there was no way I was going to give up a substance that allowed me to be “the real me” – hah!

 And then I came to one morning in mid-August 1989 in an apartment in South Philadelphia; I had no idea how I’d got there. As I was stumbling around trying to get dressed I heard a voice in my head which said in a measured tone, “That’s it.”, and I thought, “What does that mean??” Once more the voice said, “That’s it”, and instantaneously I knew I was an alcoholic and that if I continued drinking I’d end up in jail (I’d already been in jail briefly in CA), an asylum, or a morgue. I left that apartment and called George, a guy I believe my HP had put in my life in order to help me but in the guise of being my mother’s boyfriend (he’d been sober six years when she started dating him). And while I’ve never had a drink since that day, I continued taking mind and mood-altering substances until April 1991 so I changed my sobriety date to the first day I was alcohol and drug-free, which is April 8, 1991.

 I feel fortunate that I’ve never wanted to do more “research” regarding my inability to control my drinking. The veil of denial was lifted completely that day in August 1989, for which I’m extremely grateful. And even though the thought of taking a drink (or two, or three…) has entered my mind a few times over the years, I’ve been able to think it through and see that the problem, person, etc. that’s making me want to escape into alcoholic oblivion is not going to disappear after I take a drink, and the situation will surely only get worse. Do I want that? NO! That’s the difference between now and when I was in denial; I never thought it through, never questioned what the end result would be once I started drinking. Thank God the result is very clear to me these days, due in part to memories of the excruciatingly embarrassing, physically dangerous, and at times criminal acts I committed while drinking. The person who did those things is not the person I want to be, and the only way I can continue to move toward the person I want to be is by continuing to go to meetings, practicing the steps/principles in all my affairs, doing service, and following my conscience, which is something I rarely did before getting sober.

 I’ve heard many stories of how people came to accept Step 1, each one different from the other. But no matter how we come to embrace it (and perhaps have to go back to it), I know from my experience that I had to fully accept my powerlessness over alcohol before I could continue with the other Steps and gain an understanding of all that AA offers.

 Thanks for letting me be of service. The meeting is now open to those who would like to share on the topic of Step 1.