Taking action contrary to my thoughts
About 2 weeks ago I threw out my hip and low back. I deplore being incapacitated….aka-still. I spent the first few days marinating in a whopper of a pity party but somehow justified being allowed to have it. My terminal uniqueness came upon me pretty quick even though I know better and can quickly point it out in others. I even somehow started to blame my sister in my alcoholic convoluted brain.
So after a couple of days of hell, (not the pain so much the torment of my brain) I got out of bed and started writing down names, principles and institutions, myself and God, and the causes as to why I was so pissed. You should see my handwriting when I wrote down the names and causes….It looked like demonic handwriting! I have one whole page per person/resentment so I have room to write (column inventory does not register in my brain)
Anyway, after I got that out and onto paper. I am going back each day to work on the remaining two “Columns” maybe on to two names per day as my body heals. I have already had a couple of major revelations based upon this fresh inventory.
I have been experimenting with the 10th Step in head inventory for a while now. I thought, “Well, you have 7 years, you know the deal and format, you don’t need to write so much anymore”. It also said, “You have earned to have a more fulfilling life, not to have to spend so much time working AA.” “You spent the last 6 years in this daily work…take a break…just make sure you do a nightly review in your head.”
So I listened to this cunning voice, justifying it as God telling me to let up on my spiritual program and rest on my laurels..LOL!
So God’s response to my newfound freedom is to knock me on my a** and get me still. No work, no cleaning, no gardening, no hiking, no distracting, no deflecting….write.
“Where am I at currently with you?”
“What resentments have you allowed to creep back in?”
“What outstanding amends do you still need to make?”
“Why are you thinking more about yourself then others?”
“Why are you the first thing you start thinking about upon awakening?”
“Have you become your own HP again?”
“Why do you think that you earned anything?”
“Why do you think you are owed anything?”
“Why do you think you have the right to blame anybody?”
“When and why did you allow such ego reconstruction?”
“Who do you think you are to think you don’t have to participate in all three sides of the program that I have given you?”
“What makes you so damn special?”
I think because I haven’t had too many upheavals or emotional drama that I “took a break” from certain areas of AA that weren’t “that important”. I think that probably when things settle down is when I need my entire program the most. No, I didn’t relapse, or really even emotionally relapse, but seeing ALL the anger in my writing and tension that manifested in my body is clear that God needed me to be still.
I need to write everyday, not just the first 6 years, but everyday until I’m done here. I need a structured daily program. I need to NOT forget where I come from. I need NOT put myself or anything else before my relationship with God. I must stay current with him and, if resentments and stuffed anger are blocking me from Him, then I need to take action at once, using the tools that have been laid at my feet. Time is my enemy. I can’t ever think that the spiritual life is linear. I don’t have the luxury to rest on my sober time.
Questions to group: What are some warning signs that you have experienced in your sobriety that you have been resting on your laurels? How are you currently taking action contrary to what your mind/dis-ease is trying to convince you is reality? How are you expanding on your spiritual life and staying current with your HP?