Dealing With and Accepting Loss
Hi everyone, I am so honored for this opportunity to chair the meeting this week. To tell you the truth, this is the very first meeting that I have ever chaired so I am a little nervous. First of all, I would like to say a big welcome to all the new members. I wish you many blessings on your journey.
For this week’s topic, I would like to share about what is going on in my life. My family and I are dealing with a great loss. My cousin has been fighting cancer for almost ten months now. The doctors are now saying that there is nothing more that can be done. She has refused hospice so we are stepping up to the plate and taking care of her. The cancer has spread to basically everywhere in her body, including her brain. She is not the same person that she was before; I don’t even recognize her anymore. Her personality is distorted; it is like she isn’t even there. She stares out into space and falls asleep in the middle of things. Every time she falls asleep, I fear that she is going into a coma. My heart stops every time that happens. She needs help doing everything; as a result, taking care of her is a 24 hour job. She needs help going to the bathroom, taking a bath, and most everything else.
The other day I gave my cousin her medication; she took it again by herself. I felt so responsible because I should have been watching her better. I am very angry that she won’t get the help that she needs, but I know I have to let that go. It is her choice and this is what she wants.
It is very hard to watch someone you love slip away and know that you can’t do anything to change it. My emotions are all over the place. I am trying to stay strong for everyone and trying to take care of myself all at the same time. It is very hard to do, and I’m not good at it at all. I am dealing with it the best way I can but I feel like I am failing. I am so grateful that I can be here for her and that I am able to take care of her. My accepting of all this comes and goes. As soon as I give it to God, I take it back. However, I give it right back to God again.
My biggest fear is that after she dies and everything settles down again, I might pick up a drink. I am already so very overwhelmed with everything that is going on and I now it is going to get worse. I already don’t want to feel.
I know this is a lie that I am telling myself, and I know drinking will only make things worse, not better. It is truly a blessing to have this program and the blessings that come along with it. I am a miracle and so are all of you women. I would love to hear how you have made it through losing a loved one, a job, or anything you can think of. We are strong women and with help we can make it through anything. Thank you so much for listening and helping me through this.