As I approached working step 6 about 10 years ago, it seemed like a ‘walk in the park’ compared to steps 4 and 5. But as usual, ‘the devil is in the details’ and it proved to be more like an uphill mountainous trek.
To get started, my sponsor suggested I create a 3 column list. In the first column I listed my ‘defect, habit or pattern’. In the second column, I described how the defect/habit/pattern was protecting me, what feeling it was helping me avoid, and what fears I had of letting it go. The third column was to honestlyindicate if I was indeed ready to have God remove these defects.
Since I already had created a long list of defects and negative patterns in prior steps, column one was for the most part ready. In column two, considering all of the ways these negative behaviors and thoughts served me and what fears surrounded them was a daunting task. Ultimately, it was painful to admit to myself that my fears and feelings kept me glued to many of these defects, in spite of their negative impacts on myself and others. They were familiar and some were deeply ingrained. For example (there are many to choose from!), after being brave enough to give up alcohol, was I really ready to let go of my dependence on my favorite backup addiction, overeating? Was I really ready to stop withdrawing and isolating from difficult relationships? The truth was I was not ‘entirely ready’ to be free of all of these coping/avoidance mechanisms. So, I accepted the reality of parting with just some, and considered this a ‘first pass’ through the step.
Today I revisit my original step 6 list and know that I’ve made much progress towards ‘being entirely ready’, I’ve gradually let go of several. But these defects pop up on a regular basis, and some days I hold onto them like nobody’s business! Without alcohol or my other various addictions, there is no hiding from that vulnerable, emotional pain life brings. But I look at this differently today, I can see this as positive, worthy progress. After all, if emotions weren’t showing up as pain points, it would likely mean I’m using some addiction to numb myself – and that is not the goal! I can face my defects and determine what steps I need to take next. As others recovering often say, I can ‘act as if’ or ‘do the next right thing’, regardless of how I’m feeling.
As with all of the steps, it’s not a ‘one and done’ situation (oh how I wish it were!). Life presents challenges daily, and I must constantly revisit my reactive thoughts and behaviors. The 12 steps provides a beautiful framework for the process, and I’m so grateful to have them in my toolbox.
Please share your ESH surrounding step 6 this week, looking forward to reading your shares.
Susan P.