Jul 10: Step One – Powerlessness

Step One – Powerlessness

Hello Everyone. I’ve been absent lately and some of it has been due to ill health, some of it because I have been so busy with “other stuff” which always seemed more important than AA.

What have I learnt in the past weeks?
a that I could not manage my own life
b that a Power Greater than myself really wasn’t a nebulous thing
c that I had to actively seek for this Power that could and would help me out
d that I am utterly powerless over anything but my words/actions/deeds

My friend died last Wednesday she had the same disease (MS) as I do – her death was anything but easy – I have been watching her die over the last year and the last 3 months have been awful…. she lives/lived right next door to me…….. I wanted the power to stop her dying……… I tried so hard to stop it – I bought a book – the answer – I cooked meals (until I tired myself out and had to admit that I couldn’t do it) – I tried to make her laugh (laughter is the best medicine)………. all to no avail….

I am powerless – over other people – over life – over peoples’ actions and words – in the last few months Kerrie’s mum was acting very bizarrely (as one might expect a mum to act)…….

I am powerless over life and people and places and things – my husband is leaving me but in the nicest way – we are still best-friends but living apart for over 4 years has this effect on a marriage – he wants to move on and by definition moving on means moving away – I know that this isn’t happening because we have “differences” or he’s having an “affair” (he may very well be) but because I could no longer live with him – and I am powerless over that chain of events…..

I have only realised that what I have been trying to do is deny my powerlessness – I want to be able to control people/places/things and the more I try the worse it gets – I get angry and then I start having attacks of the its someone’s fault or attacks of self-pity or attacks of denial…….. I don’t want to life to continue any more……

But really that’s not real – what I have learnt in 3 days has been that if I pray hard enough my God will turn on a light – and I will come to believe that God could and would if s/he/it were sought – what I need more of is the courage to seek……….