November 21: Crushed by Self-Imposed Crisis

Topic for the week:
Crushed by Self Imposed Crisis.

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be? 

pg 53 We Agnostics

When I was active in my drinking, my self imposed crisis mostly consisted of juggling men, juggling friends, trying to cover up or control how much I drank, worrying about if my boss or my guests would find out that I was really drinking wine in my coffee cup, waking up in the middle of the night frantic about what I may have posted on facebook while drunk, being too hung over to attend family functions and work sometimes, missing car payments because I couldn’t manage my money, fearing that I was gonna get kicked out of my apartment or fired because of my conduct, etc.

When the drink was removed, I couldn’t understand why I was still behaving or feeling the way I did even though I wasn’t drinking. Minus the hangovers, I was still acting pretty shady and making bad decisions. I was sober, but I hadn’t yet transformed. I didn’t know that a real transformation was going to take place as a result of working the STEPS and continuing to apply them daily. I didn’t know this program was designed not just to get us sober, but to have transformation.

I had always perceived that all my problems came from the booze, my family, my job, and my men. It didn’t dawn on me that any of it was because of me! I would scream at God “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!! WHY IS THIS ALWAYS HAPPENING TO ME!” Everything just kept repeating itself, different man, different job, same outcome…I couldn’t admit that the common denominator in all the scenarios-was me.

Repeated cycling over and over until I made major changes in my perceptions and conceptions.

As I grow up and mature in my sobriety, I am learning to not beat myself up over my past or current imperfections. I am learning not to beat others up for their imperfections. I am learning to respect where God has me and them currently without expectation for anything or anyone to be other than who or what they are on this day. I am learning to be courageous. I am learning to make better decisions. I am learning that fear is a reaction, and that courage is a decision.

This new mindset keeps me from much self imposed crisis. Truly seeing God in everything, good and bad, relying on Him to teach, guide and mold me into he wants me to be. I’ve been letting go of having to rebel, prove, justify, spin out, validate myself, create drama, obsesses on other people, fear sprees, thinking sprees, people pleasing so that they think I am awesome, keeping up with the Joneses, not participating in the voyeurism of facebook and other social media, breaking news aka “fear porn”…letting go of all that helps me to make better decisions today with the proper motives that keeps my life pretty stable and calm. If a real life crisis happens I am better equipped to handle it because I know the difference now.

Please share on some self imposed crisis you experienced while out there, or on any lingering self imposed crisis tendencies that you are aware of and looking to be free from.