For the past couple weeks I have wanted to drink. I guess you could say I wanted to experiment, you know to see if I really really was an alcoholic, understand one thing, in one hand I know that I am but in the other hand the thought has been crossing my mind that maybe I should try it. Been attending many meetings because of this and have been sharing about it at the meetings. Doing alot of reading on AA literature trying to find my answer to this dilemna. Understand the last thing I want to do is relapse. It all came about because of the corn roast I held Sat of Labor Day weekend. I can’t be around people drinking without it crossing my mind. The funny part about it is there is no one that knows me that would allow me to buy or would even sell to me any alcohol.
Well anyway the corn roast went well I have not had to relapse but thinking about it really bothers me. So in talking to a gal in the program that I attend meetings with as much as we can (our work schedules collide alot) has been very worried about me because of this. She was talking to me the other night and she thinks that the reason I struggle with this now and than is because I have not “surrendered”. I struggle with meditation as my head is alot worse than any squirrel cage you could imagine. I worry about everything and everyone even if I don’t know them personally. So a gal I used to work with also struggles with meditation and a gal at her church told her to say her prayers and do her meditation out loud. So I am trying that.
Personally I do feel I have surrendered but after she talked to me about that I am questioning myself as to exactly what “surrender” is. I try very hard to let go and let God in situations where I have no control but I still worry about it. I trust God that whatever happens is what was meant to be. Doesn’t mean it does not upset me. I believe I work very hard at my program and it really bothers me that thoughts of drinking would even come into my mind. I know when I first came into the program it seemed as though everyone at the tables had relapsed once or more. I than thought maybe that was part of the program until my sponsor here online (no longer in the group) told me that relapse did not have to be a part of my program.
I feel that I have turned my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him but now I’m wondering if I really have. Maybe my way of doing it is not the right way, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve had any huge spiritual experience but I do feel it was a spiritual experience the night I called my daughter and said I needed help. I believe that was God tapping me on the shoulder telling me to reach out for help.
Maybe you gals can share your ESH on this and help me too understand this whole deal with surrendering. If anyone has something else they need to share on please go for it.