Relieve Me from the Bondage of Self
Page 63, Paragraph 1 and 2 of the Big Book:
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: “God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.
When I signed up to chair this meeting today, I was truly in a very different place and I am eternally grateful for this program and for you. This is a “we” program and together we share a special bond that transcends understanding.
My journey towards recovery takes me back on a cold winter night. My ex and I drove to a treatment facility . I remember that drive was long and silent. That was December 5th 1998. He had no idea . I hid it so well from everyone. I was the super mom, a mom of four beautiful daughters; I was a leader in my community and on the school board. I pride myself being active in my children’s lives and in my church.
But who was I fooling? I wore the abusive words and actions of others as my own. My God was rejecting me as I was rejecting myself. Drink took the pain away however slowly it took my soul. I was dying . dying spiritually. I reached out to friends, to my church and to my doctor. I tried to stop drinking but I couldn’t. I heard of AA but what if someone saw me? I was a mom, a leader and I would disgrace them all. However I was sliding into this black abyss and nothing could stop it . nothing. So there I was.
Upon my admission, I remember entering my room at the end of a long hallway and it was dark. My roommate was asleep. I entered quietly and sat in the far bed and looked up at the mesh window, wondering . “What have I done?” Man, I felt so lost and felt that God was punishing me and I deserved the life I had . I had no hope. I was a misfit, a mistake. I wanted so desperately to leave this world. Alcohol was my friend and how quickly it became the devil himself and he won.
Somehow through that pain, I taped the pictures of my ladies (my daughters) on my desk, and they became my higher power during that dark time. I had to get better for them. The weeks ahead I slowly came out of the fog and saw how God held me through my pain. Then came the time for me to leave this sanctuary, this secure place . I lost it, I was scared. What if I fail? And something inside made me strong . we truly don’t realize the strength within ourselves during our trials. I was discharged two days before Christmas and I was determined to make that Christmas special for my children.
It was also the start of my journey in AA. I went to my first meeting that weekend and, as I entered the room, it was as if my heavy armor fell on the floor and I was allowed to be me . broken, confused and scared. And they embraced me lovingly without judgment even when I so was fearful of them. I had a bad stutter and I shook those first few months. Listening the Promises were particularly hard at that time . I thought I was one of those that were “constitutionally incapable of” and one of those who were getting the promises ever so very “s-l-o-w-l-y”. I truly felt I would never see those promises. Many times I wanted to run out of those meetings but . and the big ‘but,” I kept coming back. My sponsor was the toughest one there, and she was my angel. She taught me that suicide is a very selfish act and it devastates those left behind. And when I just wanted to give up . I kept coming back. I made coffee or chaired when I could, I worked the steps and my program.
So each December, I take flowers to the nurses of the third floor and thank them for giving my life back. The God that brought me to my knees was a god that was critical of everything I did; he was like a cranky old man looking down at me with a magnifying glass, judging me over and over. Now my higher power is like a nurturing loving parent holding me tightly, loving me unconditionally, protecting and guiding me home.
People that I know laugh when I talk of surrender. That was an area I had a lot of problem with and now have come to embrace. The bondage of self truly is a hard one to let go of and by the grace of my loving higher power I will celebrate 14 years of sobriety this December . that is a miracle. However what truly matters is that I am sober just for today.
Through those years, I have faced many trials but nothing compares to seeing your child walk a path you have walked and knowing there is nothing you can do except wait for her to see that she is not alone. I admit that I was promoting shamelessly AA to her rather than letting AA speak for itself. I found myself acting as a dry drunk wanting to control and making it all about me. I was so close to losing my own sobriety . so ever close. I never felt so helpless during that time. I found that truly this program works when you work it . I am an alcoholic, and I need another alcoholic to talk to. I was judging myself and so unsure of everything . it was like I was tightening the noose around my soul all over again.
It was during this time that I found you (the ladies of GROW), and I went to many f2f meetings . I was not judged, I was not alone in my pain and was loved for me.
My daughter has to see for herself how her actions and thinking are killing her . and those around her.
It was like watching me . I started drinking in 10th grade and crossed the line in college. I had so many blackouts that I am truly amazed I made it through school. I ignored all those signs, and AA was not even an option at that time. Through those years the self-hate grew and the relationships I had were abusive and despite marrying a man I truly love . that marriage failed.
So here I am watching my precious daughter suffer, struggle with the bondage that has gripped her life. I surrender all, knowing that I am not in control, trusting (blind trust) that she is in her higher power’s hands. She took the courageous walk to taking care of herself and is where she needs to be right now. She has to ask her higher power to relieve her from her bondage of self and allow her radiant beauty shine. And I am working on my AA and Alanon programs.
My family has a second chance of breaking the cycle of bondage that destroys lives. When I left treatment those many years ago, I changed . but did I really? . I stayed in the insanity of an abusive marriage.
My daughter is not like me and is taking those steps to recovery. Her strength and courage are being felt by my family and friends. We all have a chance to heal. Her journey will be a long as the ones each of us tread and like you, her eyes are now open.
My daily prayer is “God relieve me of the bondage of self, remove the defects of my character so that I may do your will and better serve another. Please dearest Lord have mercy on our children and help them to find their paths.”