I have a book that is not AA approved literature that discusses the 12 Steps from a female point of view. I really like it. I never had a problem admitting the powerlessness of alcohol. I was a black out drinker from the gate. And I hated not knowing what I did while I was “out”. That fear was all consuming right away. But I always thought I just needed to manage it better. I needed more power, not less. And since I was not an every day drinking, and I showed up for work, for friends; had a clean house, how could my life be unmanageable? I was jot able to see how my behavior impacted my lows and my self worth.
Through the program, I have found the answers. I tried so hard to manage the situations of life. Put everyone in its place, give them lines and if they just did as I said, I would be grand. Yet, it hardly was ever grand or remotely what I wanted. Mostly because I never knew what I wanted. I was constantly trying to please others so I would be loved. Constantly, trying to manage my behavior, attitude and actions to meet someone else’s ideas. And when I failed, I drank. In most instances, I drank and then failed. Cuz in a black out I had no idea what I said or did. It generally always ended with me doing something with a guy. I felt helpless and unlovable most of my life.
I have learned through this program that while I am powerless over alcohol, I am not powerless over everything. I have a say on how I handle life through my actions and reactions. I’m not helpless. But letting go of the alcohol, my true self could be revealed, if I chose to look for it and nurture it.
The unmanageablity part was harder to see for me. I kept everything together. I paid all my bills. I was responsible. It was easy to hold my head up high because I surrounded myself with Alcoholics that were “worse than me”. Never looking at my behavior. Always comparing myself to you and your situation. How exhausting. Yet without this program (and sometimes even with it), I revert to this behavior comparing my insides to your outsides and looking for your approval for my life. Today, when my life starts to become unmanageable due to my actions or lack of working my program, I catch myself more quickly.
I am so grateful in some odd way to be an alcoholic. I have these tools of AA and other alcoholics to help navigate life.
I read this today and I liked it. “Let powerlessness be your partner and guide you to a new experience of power. Awareness of unmanageability in your life is a sign that you are on the recovery path. Change is possible; there is a solution.”
I would love to here your thoughts on Step 1 or on something close to your heart. The floor is now open.