Path to Life in the Solution: Humility
Bill W. speaks about how alcoholics seem to be such a dilemma to themselves and others. So much so, he wrote an entire chapter in the Big Book to discuss this oddity. It is called Here is the Solution. I can’t say that I understand my own behavior and defects when I was drinking.
Why I couldn’t stop drinking, no matter how hard I tried. How I couldn’t seem to keep promises, no matter how sincerely I felt I made them. How I changed from a ‘regular person’ into a raging monster when alcohol entered my system. How I managed to alienate everyone around me, and thought it was their fault too. How I emerged from a Wallflower into the Belle of the Ball, or so I thought. How I couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut and when I opened it, couldn’t say anything nice. How I didn’t seem to find a moral I liked in the whole book. And it goes on. Refer to
Here is the Solution or walk through the 12 Steps to check off those defects one by one.
Recently I found myself defending that no matter how many years of not taking a drink in AA doesn’t confer wisdom.
It is progress not perfection, and then only if I am paying attention. I confound myself, I really do.
Same with years lived on this planet. We parrot that with age comes wisdom but I promise you that I pray for that wisdom all the time. Neither of these principles follow the neat ‘if this, then that.’ Dare I say, Work, work, work?
This month’s step has introduced a character aspect that has made me cringe. I am called upon to be humble. Oh, no! But what I have been thinking about this week is that unless I am humble, honest, from the get go, I am not going to get anywhere and surely not achieve happy, joyous and free. I thought humility was a downer-I would be less than. I couldn’t hold up my head. So now that I need to get some, what do I get in return?
It seems to me that humility gives me choice. It does seem to be a paradox, doesn’t it? It is plain common sense that when I reach humility, I am free to choose and then I get all of the rest of the benefits. Back to the steps, each and every one enriches my life. But I need to commit to humility and accept the spirituality of this amazing program. Or not.
In spite of all of the above that ‘I know’ I want to own up to a ‘sober’ action of mine this week that made no sense-except to someone who was thinking she is the Center of the Universe…or more. I am struggling with living in my 80’s. It is attacking me from all sides. My Higher Power and I talk about it all the time. I thought He answered me this week! Oh sure…!
So this week I had to get my driver’s license renewed. In this state, 5 years ago, we were notified that likely we ‘old folks’ would get only a limited number of years of renewal at a time. I was ready and resentful for it even though I don’t drive much. Again I didn’t pay attention, I just pouted. And didn’t in the mail come my new license renewed for 5 years. So big deal, right? No, my magical thinking concluded that since the DMV gave me five more years, I’d get to live at least five more years. Oh, really? God and the DMV have now teamed up? I doubt it! But I so hoped they would. Someone in a meeting said this week, half joking, God is going to do what God does. I can say one thing for sure. I am not the Center of the Universe and I am not able to influence or read the mind of God. That is not spirituality–that is simply self-will run riot.
I know that I can Live in the Solution and be happy, joyous and free. But I also know it is up to me. Oldtimers used to tell me they’d be happy to refund my misery if I wanted to walk out the door. And that is what it would be. I am ever so grateful for you, this Program and God. Therein is the Solution. For me at least. Suspect it’s yours too. hgz, b. 9/21/83