Topic: Maturing in Sobriety & Gratitude
I was told that I stopped maturing when I started to drink. It took real work to get a hold of sobriety and within that, gratitude. AA has matured me in a way I never imagined. It turned this newcomer (a real brat) into a maturing, sober woman living with gratitude. A new me.
The word gratitude always seemed to be a grown-up word. It wasn’t in my vocabulary. Sometimes I’d be told to have gratitude, like an order. You should be grateful for…! Of course that only made me resentful, especially when I was drinking. Gratitude had a place, I thought. It seemed to belong at the Thanksgiving table once a year.
Gratitude is a verbalization of a feeling or thought. Even pre-verbal little ones are grateful and don’t need words. Somehow to me, it felt like it had an obligation to it. If I am grateful, must I reciprocate? I am ‘beholding’ to someone. Just as Steps 8/9 are not satisfied with ‘sorry I hurt you folks’ gratitude is not satisfied with ‘thanks God.’
I didn’t learn gratitude. It wasn’t on the list of feelings like mad, sad, or glad. Early gratitude for me was spontaneous and innocent. It was childlike and beautiful. And then it shifted. As soon as I became self-centered, entitled, and carried grievances, there wasn’t room for gratitude. It didn’t even occur to me.
AA emphasizes gratitude and gratitude lists early. It is amusing that such lists stymy the best of us. Yet sponsors insist. I wasn’t getting it. I dismissed it until I couldn’t. I imagined my list would fill up if I could write in large letters. It didn’t. Sponsors are on to things like that. Gratitude is an essential component of sobriety.
I started small, really small. I couldn’t think of anything. I began to understand that gratitude requires mindfulness and humility. Spirituality enhances it. Sobriety makes it swell. It made me work for it. Gratitude for being sober is a start!
The subway was on time, or ‘he’ called me, was taking a backseat to the many miracles in my life.
As I have grown and matured in sobriety, my gratitude has become a joyous, meaningful state of mind with no need to make lists. There isn’t enough paper that could hold it all anyway. The object of my gratitude these days? My Higher Power. Paradoxically it includes what I have and what didn’t happen to me.
And on this anniversary of 41 sober years, I have gratitude for you, my Program, my God. It was so easy once I got the hang of it. Slowly and quickly of course. Oh, and turning 81 this month is also on the list!