August 22: Half Measure Sobriety

Half Measure Sobriety

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Half-either of two equal or corresponding parts into which something is or can be divided. (Not Whole)

Measures-a plan or course of action taken to achieve a particular purpose.

In AA, the equilateral triangle represents the three part answerUnity, Recovery, and Serviceto a three part diseasePhysical, Mental, and Spiritual, while the circle represents AA as a whole

I learned early on, and as it states in our preamble that Half Measures availed nothing. That if I am going to make a cake then I need to follow the instructions as laid out or else my cake will not come out right. That I need to apply that same mindset to my sobriety.

The recipe to treat my illness is the program Alcoholics Anonymous-AKA-The Big Book. I have a disease that not only affects my body, but also my mind, as well my spirit. This is all consuming-so like someone with a physical disease such as cancer, their disease is centered in the body.

The person with mental illness, their disease centers in the mind.

The person who has an immoral state of existence, just out running wild, blocked off from God, no care of consequences or how their behavior affects others, no care for people, their feelings or bodies, would be a spiritual disease… my opinion.

I’m all three in that when I consume alcohol I develop an mental obsession of the mind that will sicken and destroy my body, and I won’t give a crap how my behavior affects you as long as I get what I want, when and how I want it- like a spoiled brat. I will complain and throw fits like a child, but I won’t do it in front of people-because my God “what would they think”… I will do it in the car, in my house, I will nut out because the world is not how Hilarie wants it. I would bitch and complain to all that would listen but do nothing about it. I would drain my battery, and yours, because you weren’t who I wanted you to be even though I chose to be with you. I will beat people up in my head or with my words for not being perfect and then scream “how dare you!” if you called me out on my imperfections….LOL! Exhausting.

If I am half measuring in my sobriety, this selfish and self seeking disease will manifest in other ways. I may not drink, but I will start thinking too much, not caring about my health properly, justifying and not caring how my behavior affects others when life isn’t going Hilarie’s way. I may walk away from trusting in God and put my faith into things of this world.  I may sit in fear of the future, or morbidly reflect on the past. I may start trying to control and manage others. I may condemn others for just being themselves because they are not doing what I want them to do. I may not be waking up first thing in the morning asking God to show me how I may serve him and my fellows. I may have stopped sponsoring, I may have stopped participating in meetings, I may have stopped growing all together because I am paralyzed by fear of what that growth will look like.

Do I care more about how others see me as opposed to how God sees me?

Am I doing the right thing even when nobody is watching?

Am I seeking God at all or is he just an after thought when I have hit an emotional bottom from running on self will?

However this nasty 3 fold illness shows itself, there is always HOPE. I always have a program just sitting here waiting for me to come back. God didn’t leave me, I just blocked him with defects for a season. There is always someone here willing to help me get back on track. I just have to humble myself and admit that I need help, even in sobriety-especially in sobriety.

My personal half measure sobriety which keeps me from experiencing the whole delicious cake, is fellowship. I do not fellowship with others. I am aware of this, and that one part of my three fold illness isn’t getting the “vitamins” it needs. I am an introvert I suppose. I love being alone. I never feel lonely-which is good, because when I do fellowship, it’s not out of needing people to fill me, that part is filled by God-but I have been told human beings are not designed to be completely alone. I am not completely alone, but what I mean is that I do not have many people I call “friends”-So I am working on that. I have other programs to deal with that, so I won’t expand on that here. My point is that we have Three Parts of our Program to ensure that all parts of our Three fold illness is treated so that we do not slip into untreated alcoholism/dry drunk-which I have, and it sucks.

My interpretation of it follows:

Recovery-Working my program, practicing the principle in all my affairs, still looking to grow spiritually, prayer, meditation, BB study, spiritual studies, daily inventory, annual reworking of my Steps, growth-not maintenance .

Unity-Fellowshipping with others, actually caring how other people are doing, connecting to others, letting them “in”-remember names, wishing them well, sharing experience and giving love and support.

Service-Sponsoring/Working with Others, carrying the message, service commitment, finding ways to give- not just take, volunteering, etc…

Working all three sides of the AA triangle, balanced, then we are fully treating our three fold disease. Wholeness, whole, wholly, complete.

So I lack on the fellowship part right now, which I admit and am actively seeking to treat. Where are you falling short in your recovery? Are you just a meeting maker-not sponsoring anyone or being of service? Are you heavy in the fellowship with no real interest in growing spiritually? Are you too heavy in sponsoring others and not seeking guidance from anyone else because you have it all figured out? Are you busy in service distracting yourself from getting to know God better? Have you not opened the Big Book recently? I have experienced all these.

I admit to my fellows that I am flawed and that part of my recovery are untreated, These things should be, and can be discussed here in our supporting and loving environment. None of us should get stuck spiritually because somewhere down the line we started to celebrate sober time instead of the quality of our sobriety.

Setting my pride aside because I don’t want to half measure anything anymore…How can I get the most out of this divine and intelligent God given program so that I may get whole.