October 3: Surrender

Hey friends.  Karrie here, alcoholic.

Thank you Taylor for the service you provide to our group.  It is much appreciated.

I would like to talk about surrender/step 3.

Covid has impacted all of us and our world.  Many changes have happened—some good and some not so good.  Last school year was really hard on my three kids (17,14,12).  The lack of social interaction was huge.  It was particularly difficult for my daughter, who is now 14 years old.  It wasn’t just covid it was other things too—hormones….relationships…..and the anger in our home.  Last February she confessed to she had been self harming—cutting her arms.  I was really freaked out.  She’s been in counseling for more than a year.  I was crushed that she was in so much pain that she felt the need to harm herself.  Six weeks ago, she came to me about 9:00 pm and she had cut herself again and she had taken ALOT of her SSRI medication—she wanted to die and then realized that she had made a huge mistake.  It was a terrible night—my husband and I rushed her to the ER. We were placed in the ER physic ward and were on a suicide watched all night.  She begged to come home.  Reluctantly they let us leave.  Following that was more intensive counseling for her and also my husband and I started getting counseling—good things that needed to happen.

I very much like to be in control and arrange the lights.  I very much like to be in charge and do things my way.  I so want you to think I am doing a good job and everything is perfect.  I work hard to make the people in my life happy—because my faulty belief system says that you will only like me or love me if I am perfect.  I have lived a life of secrets—and yes it’s true secrets make us sick.

There has been a lot of anger and violence in our home.  Before I was sober I too was a culprit of that anger.  My husband is an angry person.  And that anger and rage has effected me and our kids and especially our young sensitive daughter.  I have fought sponsors and my counselor and my daughter’s counselor—all who have suggested that my husband and I go to counseling.  It has taken my daughter’s suicide attempt to bring me to my knees—to be willing to do whatever I need to do for my child and my family.  I have been a door mat most of my life—even though I try to present myself as strong and bold.  I am fearful little child inside.

I really think that there is more than one surrender in my life.   The first huge one was saying I was an alcoholic.  I was in so much pain—that I finally cried “uncle”.  And accepting that powerlessness over alcohol was a huge step.  I only did it because I had to.  Alcohol didn’t work for me anymore and I wanted to die and my life was a mess even though I pretended everything was ok.

Sitting in the emergency room next to my daughter was one of the most horrific events in my life.  All night I kept praying the serenity prayer over and over and over.  My child wanted to die—tried to kill herself.  Why?  Because I had failed to demand a safe home, I had failed to demand an end to anger and violence.  I had kept secrets. I had arranged everything so perfectly but obviously I hadn’t.  I had expected my kids to follow suit……. That night I surrendered again to God.  I became willing to do whatever I had to do to help my child and family.  I have gotten a voice these past few weeks.  My husband and I are going to counseling and addressing anger and other issues in the home.  It’s not exactly fun.  Imagine that.  I have done a few 4th steps.  But things are improving. Everyday I can see little miracles taking place. I am so grateful for this program—for all the things that I have learned because of it; the fact that there are people who love me; and that it has given me tools to get through this painful time.

The meeting is open.  Thank you for letting me share.

Kind regards,