I picked this week’s topic from “As Bill Sees It” – pg. 15, unit 25
“How many of us would presume to declare, “Well, I’m sober and I’m happy. What more can I want, or do? I’m fine the way I am.” We know that the price of such self-satisfaction is an inevitable backslide, punctuated at some point by a very rude awakening. We have to grow or else deteriorate. For us, the status quo can only be for today, never for tomorrow. Change we must; we cannot stand still.” – Grapevine, February 1959.
I chose this particular passage for a bajillion reasons. I’m an athlete; standing still makes me bajiggity! More importantly, I’m an alcoholic and addict; if I stagnate on my Program and recovery, I will relapse yet again. For 939 days, I have been sober – not a drop of wine/booze/beer or a Xanax.
Prior to these 939 days, I had convinced myself that I was “recovered”. WTAF was I thinking? I was still popping Xanax like Tic Tacs because I had been prescribed them for severe anxiety. I didn’t have severe anciety – I’m an addict, FFS!! I would have told a doctor anything to get the drugs my disease told me I needed! I would have tried to sell a glass of water to a drowning man for a single sip of wine.
Today, I categorically know that in no way, shape, or form can I EVER get near alcohol or certain drugs again. I even hesitate to take a dang Advil now – not a brag, just a fact. This is the change I create for myself every dang day. The knowledge that I cannot change how my brain is wired; I can change my actions and my dedication to my recovery. I give credit to my Sponsor, my recovery, my friends in the Program, my sisters, my son. On some days, I even give credit to myself. I am my own harshest critic; I still struggle with giving myself the grace I so freely give others. Thoughts are the hardest (for me) to change.