Pg 81 BBNow about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It’s so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes—absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who be-wail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn’t the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. What can we do about them? We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been self-ish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life.
De, alcoholic. These passages about sex played a major role in my recovery journey. I am of the generation when casual sex was the norm while at the same time women were scorned for having casual sex. Many of my resentments and fears came from the shame I felt seeking the love and attention I thought casual sex provided.
When I was 17, the attention I got from a sexual partner was “love” and I ended up pregnant. My daughter had been adopted soon after birth and I met her when she was in her early 40’s. I was fortunate that I found myself in a single partner relationship in the early days of sexually transmitted disease.
When I first thought about a share about sex I recognize that younger generations may have different feelings about casual sex. I was in my mid 30’s when I got to the rooms and I had no idea what my morals, opinions, or preferences really were until I had spent some time on the steps sorting out my behaviors. I was an only child with an emotionally absent father and raging/depressed mother. I looked for “fun” and usually followed those that did not have my best interests at heart. My coming of age was a time of confusion and mixed messages. There were really no role models, we were making it up as we went along. I carry a lot of shame around from those days. Alcohol was a lubricant that I used as an excuse for what others labeled unacceptable behavior.
By whose measure was behavior unacceptable? This is exactly what I needed to figure out for myself. Working the steps allowed me to see for myself what I thought was important, what values I wanted to adopt and what I wanted others to see in me. Over time I have become a woman value, appreciating what I have and feeling grateful for where I am in my life.
Pg 84 BB To sum up about sex: we earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.
This can be used as guidance for any behavior we have that isn’t doing us any good. Helping others takes us out of ourselves. Praying for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity and the strength to do the right thing. The Serenity Prayer is my go to for this. What is it in the situation I cannot change? What can I change? Wisdom is knowing that I have a choice and the steps offer a way to work through anything.