“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. “
This passage struck me hard, as I could finally grasp the magnitude of what I was up against. I literally couldn’t stop myself from doing something that brought me such humiliation and suffering over the years. It was like none of that mattered when “it” was “on me”- and I certainly had NO recourse or defense against the first drink until I got here.
“The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.”
When I first heard Charlie or “Joe and Charlie-The Big Book Comes Alive” tell of the hot stove story and correlate it with alcoholism, is when I could truly comprehend this passage. Many things that are very obvious to me now, were not back then-so it was nice to listen to them and other alcoholics via podcasts and such in my free time. I found that listening to things over and over helped me in the beginning until it landed….and even if it didn’t land then, it eventually did once I could receive and retain new information.
“The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, “It won’t burn me this time, so here’s how!’’ Or perhaps he doesn’t think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar and said to ourselves, “For God’s sake, how did I ever get started again?” Only to have that thought supplanted by “Well, I’ll stop with the sixth drink.” Or “What’s the use anyhow?”
I know that feeling of just saying “f-it….Who cares” and by the end of my drinking career, I really truly wanted to just die. I remember pleading with God to just kill me already!! I obviously wasn’t cut out for this world…”just kill me”I begged!! I thought I wanted to die, but the night I was separated from alcohol for the last time, (God willing and contingent upon my daily action) and I felt as though invisible hands were choking me to death and in that moment I wanted to live. That will to live set me on a path long enough to get me to my first meeting where I got a sponsor and worked the Steps.
“When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane. These stark and ugly facts have been confirmed by legions of alcoholics throughout history. But for the grace of God, there would have been thousands more convincing demonstrations. So many want to stop but cannot.” (Pages 24-25 Alcoholics Anonymous-aka the Big Book or BB )
It is only by the Grace of God for getting me here that I am sober, recovered and alive. I should have been dead many times over. On my own I couldn’t have stopped-the loss of jobs, relationships, homes, morality, dignity and even my dogs-nothing would stop me from the insanity of thinking that drinking was the solution. I was beyond human aid-especially mine, I was the predator force behind my own destruction.
Asking the ladies to please share with our many newcomers some of your accounts of The Red Hot Stove scenarios that brought you to Alcoholics Anonymous remembering how hearing these stories helped us in the beginning of our recovery. If I didn’t hear the truth, then I could never have been freed from the bondage of lies. AA was the ONLY place I heard the truth-and thankfully, the truth is way more powerful than the monster of alcoholism.
Again, welcome to ALL the newcomers-we are looking forward to walking with you as we all Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny!! Do NOT hesitate to ask any one of us to work the Steps with you. The only reason we are here, and recovered, is because someone took the time to show us and we are happy and willing to pay it forward.