Apr 01: No Reservations

No Reservations

From page 33 of the BB of Alcoholics Anonymous: “If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.” Also in there:

. that most who have gone beyond stopping drinking on their own should try to stay sober for at least a year, and that many won’t make it. Some may pick up the day after they made the resolution.

Hi, Mary Lee here alcoholic addict sober by the Grace of God and AA. I was one of many who did not get sober the first time I entered the rooms of AA. For some who know from my shares, my (now) third attempt at getting sober was 36 years ago. When I give my name, and say I’m sober by the Grace of God and AA, I mean that sincerely.

I believe for me, living with an active drinker (husband) who had crossed the line, that the day I picked up again, I had a reservation for whatever excuses I chose to present to myself and others. Like “I can stop after tonight”, “I’m not that bad” “I don’t wish to stand out as being different”, and on and on.

I had remarried the same man, was on my second failure at staying sober because I stopped going to AA (No 1), I chose to listen to his statements because he didn’t wish to be alone drinking (No 2) and because I placed myself in situations (No 3) after doing all the wrong things that the devil alcohol came down from my shoulder and said “Mary go ahead, you’re not an alcoholic”.

Blackouts started, so I thought “the bartender is making the drinks stronger”. And to top it off a local Dr. offered to keep me in my shots of Demerol, if I would be his mistress. Thank God I turned him down on all of the parts of his offers. I finally left hubby, went on my own with our two kids, to end up having the oldest removed at my request after we argued and I hit him on the cheek (meant to) and instead gave him a nose bleed. That was the beginning of my “end” of drinking and drugging.

I came back into AA, totally whipped, my mind totally wiped out of remembering most things being said to me, homeless, helpless, with the hand of AA still out there for me. I became very needy, felt very worthless and very hopeless.

On my first two entries into AA, I believe that I thought I could return to social drinking. However, when I got honest finally with myself, I “was never a social drinker”. My first drink wasn’t one; it was many and turned into a drunk. Then as I kept coming back into AA, eventually picking up again, I thought I could “catch that buzz” again. I never could, never did.

I won’t sit here and share that I haven’t wanted to drink again, but I picked up the phone to say I wanted to drink again. I certainly did! But I had gotten the message ingrained in my brain, that a hand of AA would always be there for me. Just pick up that “two-ton phone”.

I had three years sober, things were bad, Fla. conditions were hot and horrible, a snake kept haunting the doors of our home, a mouse was in my toilet, I was dehydrated (no air conditioning) and called my male sponsor and said “if this is sobriety I don’t want it”. And Al’s hand was there, he pressed me to a lady sponsor a newly relocated member, who had a spiritual program, tons of patience, and was there for me.

I knew then, as I know now, should I ever pick up a drink again, I will not return to sobriety.

Fear does not keep us sober, but I have the faith that as long as I am willing to go to any length to stay sober, ask God for help, do readings, thank him at night, be vigilant in being a part of AA, that I can stay sober no matter what is going on that is negative.

For any who may be struggling, I suggest you go to any lengths to get sober. Get the booze out of the home (to give you think time), go to as many meetings face to face especially if you are able, get a sponsor, ask God for help to keep you sober, ask God to keep your “bottle” that He can have it, you can’t.

Our disease is a killer, it almost killed me. It is an eraser, it takes away family members, friends, money, homes, our minds, and renders us useless.

Please stand still sober and wait for the miracles. I have had many.