Apr 04: Step 4

Step 4: Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves. [BB 4th Edition, Ch. 5: How It Works, pg. 59]

I have two adult daughters, one in San Diego, another in Portland OR. The eldest, in OR, gave birth to her first child, a son named Andrew, last June. I made an opportunity to visit him that July by flying into San Diego, quarantining with my younger daughter there for two weeks, she & I both got tested & received negative results, thank God, & then drove up to Portland, bringing all our own sheets, towels & food, along with barrels of disinfectant, so that the one overnight in Sacramento was made with as minimal contact with other people or things as humanly possible. Our temperatures were taken the moment we walked in my daughter’s door, both of us normal, & as soon as we’d showered & changed clothes, loved on Andy & his parents with wild & joyous abandon. I have the privilege to visit again in a couple of weeks, a little less rigorous prospect now that all of us have been fully vaccinated. I’m quite deliriously happy about this but for one detail. The girls’ dad, my husband of 28 yrs. & now ex, also lives in the Portland area. And *dun dun duuun cue ominous music here* Portland has not been big enough for the two of us since our divorce more than ten years ago.

But I’m a recovering alcoholic now. I’ve been handed the keys to the sobriety kingdom by Bill W. & Dr. Bob. I’ve worked through all the steps once, the first three several times before they finally took. I included my ex-husband on my fourth step personal inventory, I saw then & continue to uncover what my faults contributed to the unrest in our marriage & ultimately our divorce. I know I need to make amends there, & because this one’s a big one, probably the biggest, I believe it needs to be done in person. Which means my potential opportunity to do so is a couple weeks away. But can I be honest with you? I really, really want to do this only once with him if at all possible, I want to get it right with as much honesty & humility as he deserves & as is fitting. And did I mention I only want to have to do it once?! So I ask you: What have you found to be the most effective questions to ask of yourself for making a painstakingly thorough Step 4?
Please feel free to share on this topic, or on any other that’s clamoring to be explored. Thanks in advance for sharing your experience, strength & hope. It’s a privilege to be in your company.