Jan 29: Ego & Self Pity

Ego & Self Pity

Carol D., alcoholic, and thank you ladies for allowing me to be of service and chair this week’s meeting. I decided to put out a topic that I have had some issues and feelings on.

I can remember when I came into the program and was doing my 4th step with my sponsor and she said something to the affect that whatever the issue was it was my ego. I absolutely could not believe she could think I had an ego. Not Carol, the people pleaser, no way. In my mind a person with ego was a person that walked and acted with arrogance and thought they were better than anyone else. Well just recently it has come up again and the bottom line was I just plain do not understand what ego is. I have been doing a lot of reading on ego and the only thing I have really understood is that “ego” can be good or bad. It is a defect when I am right and the rest of you out there don’t know what you are talking about. Life will always be a struggle with our “ego”, but we can keep it manageable , if we ask ourselves the question, is it to make me look good, or will it benefit others more.

I guess I thought when I got sober that my daughter’s would want to spend more time with me and I was so looking forward to it. Now understand I did not spend much time with them when I was drinking because I knew they did not want me drinking and I did not want them to know I was drinking as much as I was. My oldest daughter lived with me from Dec. 2010 until Sept. 2011 as she was going through a divorce than she got a job and moved out. I do hear from her more frequently than when she was married to her ex. Now my younger daughter I have always been very close too and hardly ever hear from her anymore. So here I sit on the pity pot, which I also believe is “ego” because she has not called me in a few days. I have to stop myself and realize that she has a family and a job and a life and she is busy. Here again is not just “self-pity” but also “ego”.

On the 18th of this month I celebrated 6 years sober and what a blessing for me, have not had to go back out for any reason, and what I love about this program is I am continually learning about myself and who I really am and that I can use the tools to make the changes that I need to make. When I first came in I wanted 10 years sober right from the get go, lol, but today I understand why this is a lifelong program. God is revealing to me in steps he know that I can accept and work on.