Freedom
Today I am free of the monkey on my back – – -the demon rum!!!! I am free of the guilt, shame and anger that once ruled my life.
I can’t say it any better than it is said on page 553:
“This great experience that released me from the bondage of hatred and replaced it with love is really just another affirmation of the truth I know: I get everything I need in Alcoholics Anonymous – — -everything I need I get – – –and when I get what I need I invariably find that it was just what I wanted all the time.”
Yesterday’s threats can’t touch me today. What is true in the now is that those old feelings, perceptions and boundaries are no longer relevant! Today, they are false in the sense that I have outgrown their power! Fear is slavery. Overcoming fear is freedom! Resentments block me from God. I would become insane, drink and die if I continued to hold on to resentments! I can no longer afford to let the people on my “resentment list” live rent-free in my head.
I made a decision (Step Three) to let God direct my thinking. If I allow “others” to direct my thinking, God can’t, and it’s just that simple. My sponsor had me check out the stupidity behind resentment. This was finally done with a THOROUGH 4th Step, wherein I was forced to put out of mind the wrongs others had done and check out what I did to set in motion trains of circumstances which in turn caused people to hurt me, which eventually led to my resentment of them for doing so!!!
Before realizing I had created practically every situation – – -when I went back far enough in this Step — -I would replay my “resentment machine” – – – -much like the replay cameras in football – –which led to my “get-even machine”. My mind never stopped! Today I am grateful that I realize that it was all a big waste of time!
Today, I turn to page 552 and pray for the person, institution, or principle that I resent. I do this, as suggested, every day for two weeks. It has never failed me. I have found that prayer and hate can’t exist on the same plane. Love will eventually replace resentment. Joe and Charlie reminded me that praying for the SOB doesn’t necessarily mean we approve of their action.
Anger comes from a threat to one of the basic instincts of life. It’s how I choose to react to that threat which determines whether I’m angry or not. I begin to get a handle on anger.
One thing I have found (and have mentioned before) is that I can’t speed up my recovery, but I sure can slow it down!!! I “slow it down” by not living the principles (Steps) of this program in all my affairs!
My sponsor used to say to me: “A thorough Fourth Step will ruin your ability to hold resentments.”
I attribute my freedom today to the working of the Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and then going on to learn how to use them in all my affairs! Before doing this, there was no hope of achieving this freedom!!!!
I look forward to your participation on your experiences with Freedom.
Thanks for listening (hopefully) to my long-winded share on freedom!
Susanne
Murphys, CA
8/17/91