Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Hi, I’m Laurie and I’m an alcoholic. Still. Not cured. Even after a lot of years sober.
I am 59, (not lonely), divorced for many years and do not even date, I have trouble picking. I am attracted to control freaks, (practicing) alcoholics, married men, and abusive guys. I am also immature in my thinking about relationships so I stay away from dating.
In the Big Book they talk about a sober guy eating a sandwich and (even after some time sober) he puts aside his knowledge of his disease and decides that he can take some whiskey if he mixes it with a glass of milk. I believe he either went back to the asylum or died.
This week I had a real bad thought. At work, (I am a table games shift manager in a casino aka “pit boss”) I was just getting to the pit. On Wednesday and Thursday, the boss I relieve is the absolute sexiest and best looking man in my town. And he is really young, about 30. We were watching the guys at the bar, our coworkers who had just gotten off work and were having a cocktail. (You are allowed to do that where I work). Mr. Sexy says this to me: “we need to take Laurie out and get her off the wagon.” I could barely breathe. For the next 8 hours I entertained thoughts of hanging out and drinking with this awesome guy.
But later, I prayed. And the thought seemed childish and foolish after awhile. But the fact I even considered it was alarming. So I broke down my reasoning:
1) he is really sexy
2) he is the ex of another coworker I don’t like very much (un dealt with resentment maybe?)
3) Maybe I have been isolating too much
4) I really need to work on trusting people and making more appropriate friendships.
5) Maybe I need to step up my meeting attendance.
6) working my new hours of 1:00 am to 9:30 am has totally fried my brain (tool: H.A.L.T, do not get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
7) I should talk about this to another alcoholic
I will address the resentment of my female coworker, the ex of Mr. Sexy.
I am resentful of S. She is younger and prettier than me. She may be sleeping with a way high up boss. Every man in town wants her.
(Jealousy, envy, fear)
What is the fear behind my resentment? That she will say bad things behind my back while sleeping with the higher up boss, that she is trying to get me fired.
Breaking down the fear even further: I am really scared of losing my job. That fear has consumed me and I should be living one day at a time. And trusting God. Praying for my customers and coworkers. Praying about my job. Our disease of alcoholism is potentially mind-warping. Even after a period of sobriety. I still get drunk dreams from time to time as well. Facing and discussing our new resentments as they crop up is a great program tool.
I am grateful that I am very busy this week moving to a bigger apartment. Lots of tasks. Keeping me busy instead of in my crazy head.
Have a great week ladies of G.R.O.W.!
Love and hugs,