Step 9 was my biggest stumbling block of all the Steps. I had been spinning my wheels on Step 8 for a very long time (during which I didn’t have a sponsor) when I met a woman who said Step 9 was her favorite Step. I gathered what little courage I had and asked her to be my sponsor. It was quite a turning point for me. I had felt incomplete as a recovering alcoholic since I hadn’t been able to begin making amends. The fear of backsliding into drinking again kept me up at night but wasn’t enough to push me into making the first amends. I had made plenty of lists and told myself I was willing, but apparently I was still so full of fear and resentments and self-centered guilt that I wavered between thinking I was to blame for everything and thinking it was everyone else’s (and alcohol’s) fault. My new sponsor had me start over at the very beginning with Step 1. She encouraged me to take things slowly and thoroughly, and by the time we got to Step 9, I was more open to doing things the way that had been suggested to me since I went to my first meeting.
So, what changed? First, I started all over with a new sponsor with a new perspective. After coming to the Steps with new insights, with her help I organized my lengthy list into the three categories of those who I felt I could make amends to first, those I thought might be more difficult, and those who had passed away or who I couldn’t find. I started by writing letters to everyone in the first two categories, but I wasn’t going to send them – the purpose was for me to spell out what specific amends would be for each person so I would be prepared to face them and not fumble around or make excuses. For the last category, the letters I wrote included prayers asking God to grant them every happiness I would wish for myself, which I repeated every day for three weeks (my sponsor’s suggestion). She also suggested that, for anyone and everyone else I thought I may have forgotten, I could think of ways to pay it forward.
I hope you won’t mind if I share the story of my very first face-to-face amends. I was in a store and glimpsed the father of a young woman my daughter was in love with (she was 19, my daughter was 15). I had behaved very badly in front of her parents regarding their daughter’s role in this relationship, and I knew I owed all of them amends. Even though I had written my preparatory letters, I left the store before he could see me and went to the next store on my errands list. But apparently God thought I might need a little more encouragement, so who should come up right behind me on line at the register but the girl’s father! I wanted to disappear, but I had a strong feeling God brought him from the other store and put him there. It gave me the courage to turn around and face him. I told him how much I regretted my behavior, and he said he really didn’t remember the incident and to think nothing of it since they’d had other incidents with her over the years. The point for me was not how the conversation went, it was how strongly I felt God’s comforting presence urging me to do what was actually best for me…and all involved.
I think I’m a slow learner and a fast forgetter – it took me a long time actually to see that God had always been doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I believe this sponsor was the catalyst, sent by God when it was the right time, that helped all the pieces fall into place for me. After I was about halfway through making all the personal amends on my lists, I really started to feel the promises coming true. As you might have noticed, what follows the lead’s share at the end of the format of every Sunday meeting is the Promises. What a perfect place for them! They wait patiently for me to work my way through the Steps so that I can experience each of them.
As it says in “Into Action” in the Big Book, “Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.” Any lengths includes however long it takes me to stick with the program until those incredible Promises start to come true. Victory over alcohol does not result in mere sobriety – it is the chance for a new freedom and a new happiness, and all the rest of the Promises. My hope for you is that this program seeps into your soul as it did for me.