It’s an Inside Job
My name is Nydia and I’m an alcoholic. Congrats to all celebrating a sober anniversary and welcome to new ladies in GROW. Thank you for the opportunity to lead the meeting this week.
I sometimes sense a tendency within myself of comparing how I feel on the inside with what other people look like on the outside – deadly for an alcoholic! That just fires up my terminal uniqueness. That is then closely followed by – if I do A, B, C then surely God/ programme/ someone will reward me with X, Y, Z – instant gratification please. Am I not a good AA/ friend/ colleague/ sister/ …? Where is my gold star for all the effort put in?
One way stilling my mind and coming back to myself – in a healthy way – is of course, gratitude (as was all the shares last week). The other way I have found, is to honestly ask myself – through prayer and meditation – what and why do I continue to fear? Where is my sense of desperation and deprivation coming from? What are my motives?
In the end, the answers don’t matter as much as giving myself the space and permission to look within. In that big empty hole is where the healing happens. On page 127 of the big book it is written: “For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.” It always reminds me of when a friend said to me, “Nydia, you need to get well on the inside and the outside will change… it’s an inside job.”
I steal from myself and if I want peace, it needs be from within, not without… No booze, man, money or image can fill that empty hole (although I have an interesting time trying, trust me).
Do you relate to this theme? And how have you worked/ working through it?