October 10: Fixing Me, Not You

Topic for the week:  October 10, 2021

Good morning, ladies of GROW and congratulations to those who have celebrated a birthday since the start of this month and welcome newcomers.

The daily reflection for October 10, 2021, is the following

FIXING ME, NOT YOU

If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 90

What a freedom I felt when this passage was pointed out to me! Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them. I believe that there are no exceptions to the axiom. When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered. I must keep reminding myself that I am human, that I am doing the best I can, even when that best is sometimes poor. So I ask God to remove my anger and truly set me free.

From the book Daily ReflectionsWe
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

October 10, 2021

Good morning, ladies of GROW and congratulations to those who have celebrated a birthday since the start of this month and welcome newcomers.

The daily reflection for October 10, 2021, is the following

FIXING ME, NOT YOU

If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 90

What a freedom I felt when this passage was pointed out to me! Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them. I believe that there are no exceptions to the axiom. When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered. I must keep reminding myself that I am human, that I am doing the best I can, even when that best is sometimes poor. So I ask God to remove my anger and truly set me free.

From the book Daily ReflectionsWe
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I read this reflection and then even re-read several pages from the 12 by 12 ,  and this is the part that stood out for me today

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions.

We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skilful in separating justified from unjustified anger.”

I have been in the program for a good chunk of time and when I feel I have been hurt by someone I must pay close attention to my feelings and reactions to the person and the given situation. My head understands that holding onto resentments, angry or hurt will lead this alcoholic into a vicious cycle of mental conversations that are non-productive and usually will awaken of my character defects. Just as it is stated in the daily reflection and the part of the 12 by 12.

However, my heart which I see as my inner child within says wait, they hurt me/us, and I am pissed off, I am anger they are wrong they should have never, they owe me, etc.  or has a tantrum which can and has blinded my spiritually connection with my HP and makes the day (or days) miserable. For example, I felt I had justified anger towards my parents for the longest time related to how I was treated and for the trauma that I experienced. The truth is that I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a child of an alcoholic home, and I have scars from the experiences, and my child was never heard, not allowed to express feelings, let only my thoughts.

At the beginning of my road to recovery I did not know when I was justified with being hurt or angry and when I was not justified. More often than not, my heart won, and I stayed in that cycle of self-righteous way of thinking. Today, I believe I have a better balance between my heart (inner child) and my head knowing that holding onto anger, resentments etc.

For me I must acknowledge if my inner child is hurting or angry or holding onto resentment. Once I acknowledge this, I can then use the tools of the program and counselling. So, when I do feel hurt or angry, today I can say I know you are angry, and we need to breathe and take a step back. By doing this I can talk with my HP about the given situation, and in time I can see the situation for what it really is. See, sometimes a situation can occur, and it is not that big of a deal while other times the situation is a big deal. From here I can ask myself how important is this? Or I can ask myself how is my emotional state working for me at this time? There are times that I can exactly have a positive conversation with myself and my HP and  my inner child and regain a healthy perspective and then there are times when I still need you, to help me use the tools of the program  or say what I need to hear in order to get my emotions in check and my mind back to a spiritual balance as I ask my HP for help to work through  my angry or resentment or hurt. Or simply help me process the anger, resentment and/or hurt which may not go away for a period of time, so I can continue to grow as a person in recovery and continue to live the life that he has planned for me.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts about today’s daily reflection. I invite you to share your thoughts about today’s reflection and how you use the tools of the program to cope with these issues or please share what is on your heart today.

Wish you all another 24 hours of sobriety ladies. Thank you all for being on the road of recovery. Have a great week,

Mary O

Wisconsin