“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.”
Decision
The act of making a choice or judgment
Care
This is hilarious, because the word care seems to have many different meanings depending on context-here are two:
To be anxious or solicitous; to be concerned about.
The provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.
I can see how the word care and its many meanings can be subconsciously read differently if deep down you recognize and remember the way you may have expressed care prior or currently. In my past when I or my family “cared” about something or someone it was from the perspective of being anxious, solicitous and concerned. Which stems from fear, which is bondage.
I don’t want to have that sort of “care” for myself or anyone else-nor do I want that sort of projection onto me. So when I read “turn our will and life over to the care of God”, I am going to remember that God doesn’t “care” the way I did, or see others through anxiety which again, is fear.
When I make this daily declaration, I am basically making a choice to trust God with my health, welfare, maintenance and protection; as opposed to alcohol, “isms-defects” (which ALL stem from fear), any random thought or through the act of accommodating or enabling other peoples defects.
The Big Book says:
Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?
Convinced
completely certain about something.
Am I convinced that:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. (Step 1)
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. (Step 2)
(c) That God could and would if He were sought. (Step 2)
So if I can’t manage my own life-if I am compelled to repeat something over and over expecting a different result, then I need a new manager because alcohol was literally killing me spiritually, mentally and physically-yet somehow I convinced myself that that was the only way I could live. So I was convinced that God couldn’t do much worse.
The Big Book goes on….
The first requirement is that we be convinced (completely certain about something) that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.
Even if I have “good” motives I still would still collide with people-and through the work we find out that our “good” motives always have a selfish component attached to it. A fearful person simply cannot be selfless. They only do things that they think will somehow keep them from experiencing pain. Quite literally the pain of being embarrassed or in any way wrong or rejected registered with some of us impending doom or death. So I would go to great lengths to suppress or avoid real inventory.
I relied on the defects that in all actuality may have worked for me in the past, even though they were fear based and killing me. You always return to what worked unless we are shown a different way. That way is Step 3.
It’s a scary proposition not because it doesn’t work-but because who would I be if it does work? Change is very scary, even if it’s in everyone’s best interest. So in my initial Step 3, I’m gonna have to take a leap of faith using the experience of the fellowship and my sponsor that I will be able to handle the unknown. At least, even though it was miserable, I knew how to operate in hell….What would life look like if I had to operate from a higher plane???
Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.
Yes, and this way is really, really hard work. I only know that because I am genuinely on the other side of me propping self up; trusting God’s plans for me and for everyone else do not require Hilarie having to carry such a heavy load. When I was foolishly burning up energy to arrange everyone I was crossing their spiritual boundaries by injecting myself as their HP so that they would need and rely on me-or, or the flip side of that, almost complete isolution and or shutting down so that I wasn’t needed….I’m assured that there is a balance and that as long as I am willing to change and grow everyday, that I will obtain that.
So today I willingly choose to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand God which no longer requires a leap of faith….I know. Faith has become fact. I know God has my and everyone else’s best interest even if I can’t comprehend it from my vantage point. I do not need to “care” (lol) worry or fear for them, the world or myself when you have the Truth.
God’s will be done-my job is not to insist upon my way or will as that is a misuse of self will, my job is to continue down my path and keep looking at me. What I recognize in others as defected or annoying, turn that into an inventory on me…which beautifully flows into Step 4 and so on.
Chop Wood, Carry Water!