Having just shared on Step 3, you’d think I’d be in a better frame of mind today. But no. First, there’s current events in the USA. Things are upside down. It’s confusing and disturbing. I’m affected by it. I’ve been losing sleep. Finding something else to think about helps, but honestly, I’m feeling off balance and afraid.
Then there are the events at home over the last couple of weeks. It’s all about computers and complicated software. Two weeks ago, my hard drive died with a sudden and loud wail. The screen went blank. Everything was gone. Luckily I could afford to replace the machine quickly. But then when the new one was a week old, I was forced to reset Windows 11. Again, everything was gone. Windows 11 has been my nemesis ever since. I’ve wasted day after day trying to get it set up so I can participate in Grow and take care of our website. Rebuilding everything has been a bigger chore because I’ve not adapted to the new Windows, and all my passwords are gone.
For two weeks, I’ve gotten out of bed trusting that things will go smoothly today. When things start going wrong, my anxiety grows. I’m not a very patient person when I’m frustrated, and my temper has been on a short fuse. In the old days, I’d have bought a suitcase of beer and drank the problems away. Of course, nothing could get easier with me drunk trying to fix the computer. I’d have no memory of what I did and why. At least I’ve managed to avoid the beer. I’m sober but not exactly on the beam.
Throughout my sober years, stress has been the main obstacle to maintaining a healthy attitude and peace of mind. Step 3 is important to me in these times, but sometimes I’m slow to remember how important it really is. Letting go is hard because I get caught in obsessive thinking. I forget I’m not in control and work hard to make things happen the way I think they should. I forget that there is a power much greater than me. Writing about Step 3 earlier reminded me how far I can drift from the program, the Steps, and the God of my misunderstanding.
So, tonight, rather than insist on trying to solve the latest computer problem, I will retire early, turn to God, and Let Go. Maybe I won’t even turn my computer on tomorrow. Reading AA literature and spiritual texts will help clear my brain. Prayer will bring peace. Spending time playing with my cats will bring joy. Things will get solved without my agonizing over it.
So, what is it like for you when stress builds? What tools do you use to reclaim your serenity?
Of course, please share with us about anything you need to.