Before these rooms I was unable to assign any real value to my life. My values were those of the people around me, often conflicting and what I recognized as hypocritical.
1st drink at 17-drunk! I drank alcoholically from the first drink
Between 17 and 22 I gave a baby up for adoption, had 2 abortions, been married twice and spent a night in jail. There are “outside issues” (drugs) in my story. This being an AA meeting I will stick to my experience with alcohol.
At 25 I found someone to take care of me and tell me what to do. He was 15 years older and knew how to spend money. I married him.
My bottom was a weight gain of over 100 pounds.
I found the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous in 1988 and was introduced to the Big Book and 12 & 12. OA didn’t have its own literature and my first exposure was the original source material.
Fortunately my first exposure to the program laid out in the big book was from women who had been around awhile and knew that I needed to take baby steps. I had given up on God at the age of ten. My mother was a seeker. Multiple religions, all with baptism. Nothing changed in my life. My mother was angry and depressed. Her solution was diet pills which just made everything faster.
In OA I did what was suggested by these women who seemed to have found the solution. I learned how to filI that hole in my heart. I stayed close to the program and did service. I got a sponsor and I worked the steps. The first time I did a 4th step I answered 170 questions about my childhood and adult life.
My first meaningful spiritual experience came in the form of a writing exercise. I was writing a call and response to “I love you.” As you can imagine I didn’t think I was very lovable. At one point when I wrote “I love you” my response was that I didn’t deserve it. Out of nowhere an internal voice, different from my own told me “you don’t have to deserve it, it just is.” Unconditional love. What a concept. I still get chills thinking about it. That voice has served me well over the years, some big things some small things. Every time I have chosen to ignore it, it has not gone well for me.
The paragraph about Acceptance on page 417 and the accompanying paragraphs on page 420 were very important to me. I had to give up my rights and expectations. I had to decide what was more important, the issue at hand or my sobriety. The thing about acceptance isn’t that by accepting whatever ever it is, I agree with it. The whole act of acceptance is simply acknowledging the situation exists. Period. Asking why is this happening, or why is this happening to me just leads to overthinking. That saying “Think, Think, Think” you see in posters? My take on that is by the third “think” I am done and I have to move on. The Serenity Prayer serves me well. I can write a call and response to each line, ending with wisdom being the choices I have been presented with. Always remembering that not taking action, not making a choice is a choice. Often a very powerful one.
The third step reading on page 62 and 63 was a reminder of how self centered I really was. When ever I am having difficulties it is usually about self will run riot. My problems had come from decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt. My troubles were of my own making…what a concept! Every time I did something for someone else I expected something in return. Even before coming into the rooms, doing service in my community was important to me. I was what was referred to as a “professional volunteer.” I would be upset if I wasn’t credited or given the accolades I thought I deserved. Do you have any I idea how hard I worked? I expected to get full credit for my bright ideas. Today I am happy seeing something I may have planted as a seed come to fruition with others getting credit.
As time went on I got a life and proceeded into the land of recovery. Lost the weight, stopped drinking-except for the occasional binge I thought I deserved. In 1994 I went to Ukraine and within a month had taken the 1st drink
There was no one there who understood about AA or its principles. To them it was still a moral issue and who was I to deny myself of a drink for the rest of my life
It was excruciating drinking after having been exposed to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I cannot even begin to express the shame that resurfaced. The pain of the drunken behavior I thought I had escaped. The lies I told to well meaning folks who questioned the amount I was drinking. I was involved with a school exchange program that did not allow alcohol at their events. Someone always had alcohol, and I found them.
My last day of real drinking was April 14 of 1996. It was Orthodox Easter and I had been drinking all day. Two or three blackout periods throughout the day into the night, I ended up walking home. I was attacked and ended up in the hospital for 10 days. In an airport, heading back to the states I drank a beer. (well, it wasn’t like I had a shot of vodka.) Big mistake!
Landed in San Francisco and I walked into AA the next day, and I had a sponsor by Friday. Service has been an important part of my sobriety, filling various roles at f2f meetings, I participated in Hospitals and Institutions taking meetings into jails and institutions for 10 years. Active AA was one of the reasons we chose the community we now live in. When we traveled we would attend meetings.
I cannot believe it has been 30 years. One day at a time. Sometimes 1 hour at a time. So much life lived. So much past wreckage has been healed. My daughter found me, we spent some time together and life moved on. The 3rd marriage lasted 20 years and my 4th has gotten to 28 years. My current husband will be 29 years sober at the end of this month. He went with me to pick up a 1 year chip and heard “that he didn’t have to drink” and stopped.
God (Good Orderly Direction) has done so much for me that I could not have done for myself. Gratitude is a key factor in my life. I try to make a point of thinking people for their efforts on my behalf. Awareness of what I have and how fortunate I am to have it. I am enough, I have enough , my life is enough.
What has God done for you in your sobriety journey?