Author Archives: De W

This is the reading for this week’s meeting from our AA literature; 

As Bill Sees It; 5 & AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous p.66

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harbouring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

In my sobriety I have seen how practising simple ideas helps me grow in my spiritual life and my spiritual experiences. The ways I grow have been important in relation to maintaining my sobriety a day at a time but also growing in “effectiveness and understanding” of our AA 12 step program.

What are you doing today to maintain your sobriety and grow your understanding and effectiveness in the program and in your spirit life? What are you doing today to turn towards the sunlight of the sprit? Or if you’re not doing it yet, what is it you want to do?

I continue to try to be an active member of AA, by sharing, by reaching out, by 12th stepping, by being of service, by sponsoring. I enjoy listening to others share about their experiences of living the 12 steps and bringing the ideas in the AA Big Book in to their lives. I hear this in sharing in meetings but also in podcasts I find to listen to.

I’ve recently listened slowly over a period of several months to a podcast series on emotional sobriety, about bringing each step to life and connecting with the god of my understanding. This has opened up new insights into prayer and connecting with my Higher Power.

I’ve also recognised where I’ve needed other support and connection and have taken steps to bring that alive in my life. I read a daily reading each day and reflect on the ideas shared there.

I participate regularly in a local women’s meeting and am available for newcomers.

I have begun a new journey with meditation, prayer, gratitude, yoga, self care. These things build my spiritual life. I recently started swimming in our local swimming lake, it’s in an old quarry but the trees grow down the sides of the quarry to the water line and when I swim I’m smiling. It’s not like exercise it’s like creating space and time for my mind to find peace. The people I meet there are friendly and I get a lot of smiles. I had no idea my spirit needed that so much until I got brave and gave it a go. My spiritual life is primarily about being sober first and then I’m in with a chance to grow and be part of the world.

So am I turning to the sunlight of the spirit or am I blocking myself from it? AA and my fellows here show me ways to turn to that sunlight.

I can’t do any of this alone. Being part of this fellowship and continuing to have a home – a home group – in AA help me grow.

The meeting is open for sharing on the topic of growth & maintenance of our sobriety and our spiritual life but as always is open for GROW members to share on anything pertinent to their AA journey, sobriety, AA program, and shares “off topic” are welcomed.

I always always get back far more than I can give in these rooms and it’s a joy to be here to connect and be of service.

A few weeks ago, I started feeling like I was coming down with something. After a few days of feeling flu-ish and waiting for it to develop into something worse, I remembered that, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become allergic to something in the early fall atmosphere. It’s only annoying – thankfully I don’t suffer like some folks. The only downside is that we can’t keep the windows open at night now that it’s gotten cooler.

I just spent the last 45 minutes looking for something in AA literature that directly supports thinking I am better than you while also berating myself for not being enough.   So many bits and pieces from Conference approved literature, nothing that directly supports holding both at the same time.  The closest I came was Step 6 in the 12 and 12 on page 67. Bill talks about self righteous anger and gossip.  We take others down while building ourselves up.

When I came into these rooms I was a fear based human doing.  My worth was based on what others thought of me and what I was able to accomplish.  Since early childhood, I was never enough.  The smallest thing could derail any good in my life.  (My mother was a rage-aholic and my father emotionally absent.)  My reality was denied repeatedly and my feelings dismissed as excessive.  (I am a crier.  It is my reaction to any overwhelm in my life.)   My defiance is what got me through life, along with completely giving up any expectation of success.  If it was too hard, I gave up.

Marijuana was my self medication.  I wasn’t a daily drinker because I throw up and blackout. Whenever I drank, it was to get drunk.  Social drinking wasn’t my thing.  A couple of glasses of wine at dinner could lead to complete chaos and major repercussions.  (Bear in mind as you read this, I am 29 years removed from these behaviors and am having to dig deep to remember.)  

I was really good at my job-office management, admin tasks and bookkeeping.  Any missteps (drinking binges) would be overlooked because of my performance and replacing me would be difficult.  At 25 I had an admin position that often meant I was making business decisions in the absence of the owner.  I remember a sales person marveling at how much responsibility  I had for someone so young. My perfectionism was such that any small error would negate large amounts of effort I had put into a project and I would have to start over.  

I had (still do actually) this judgment loop running in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough.    I didn’t wear makeup or dress fashionably, being overweight didn’t help.  Tact is not my first language. I don’t do chatty   I could berate myself for the smallest misstep, not to mention when I really screwed up.  Working the steps and coming to terms with my behaviors and vulnerabilities (I do not believe in defects), has given me the life I have today.  Total unconditional love changed my life.  I don’t have to deserve love, I am lovable simply by existing.  If someone isn’t supporting your recovery journey, it is their problem.  Many of our loved ones don’t like the changes we may make in our behavior and the boundaries we create.

This note that still lives by my bathroom mirror:    This is who I am.  This is how I am dressed.  Those are words I have spoken.  Those are actions I have taken.  Those are Accomplishments I have made.  Those are mistakes I have made.  This is who I am today.  Repeating these statements daily after berating myself for something I judged unworthy, I learned to accept myself and move forward.

The Serenity prayer is important to me.  I can work through it line by line, pen to paper, and figure out what is going on.  What is my part, what cannot be changed, knowing that I can make a choice.  Not doing something is as much a choice as taking action.  Recovery is a way of life for me today.  I have absorbed this way of life to such an extent it is difficult for me to go back and revisit the insanity.  

Service is an important part of my journey.  Learning how to show up no matter what.  Supporting other women in this journey. Complete participation-sponsor and be sponsored, share at meetings, help set up and clean up. Offer rides if you can.  Pick up the telephone. (A hard one for me.  I don’t chat.)  Go to coffee after the meeting.  Attend sober gatherings at the holidays, summer parties and picnics.  Allow people into your life.  

I CANNOT take that 1st drink.  A relapse 31 years ago ended in complete chaos and a near death experience. The comparison of alcohol to a sleeping tiger is a good one for me.  Once I drink, it is a lost cause. I am off and running.   I know I am capable of another relapse, it is the recovery that would be a problem. I don’t think I have another one in me.  The life I have today is based on my sobriety and all that came before.  I had to go there to get here.  

Topic for the week:   Step Nine!!

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

From page 85 in the 12×12:

  “After taking this preliminary trial at making amends, we may enjoy such a sense of relief that we conclude our task is finished. We will want to rest on our laurels. The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let’s not talk prudence while practicing evasion.”  

My initial amends process was careless, half assed and could have caused more damage than good…why?…because my motives were completely selfish and self seeking. God bless my first sponsor, but she wasn’t able to really guide me at the time and kinda just left me dangling at Step 5. So when I did my “amends” I hadn’t even really looked at defects. let alone ask God to remove them because I still thought everything bad that happened was because of my drinking and that’s the only reason I did those things. I made no real list, gave no real consideration to them, or respect to the process. 

I was now in the new relationship that was to be my “reward” for getting sober; so I had to quickly get these pesky Steps out of the way and shut the door on my past so that I could move on with my new life and live happily ever after. I basically emailed and texted my “amends” which, again, were far from genuine. When my new relationship/reward started to explode because I was a raging untreated alcoholic (dry drunk) and he was a closet addict; I knew I was not gonna be able to get through this doing sobriety the way I had been . My way was essentially using sex and the newness of the new relationship as my fix-and making him my HP. We went to meetings, but beyond that we would just indulge each other in conversation about how unique and awesome we were but in a way that was self-deprecating so we considered ourselves “humble” LOL!!

When this construct started to fail, I was in horror because how in the name of GOD, could this be happening to me, again!! I was sober for F sakes! What more do you want from me?!? I had no choice but to hit the program, and hit it hard. It was that or drink-and to drink was to die. Because the pain I was experiencing was considerable, the ground was fertile again, and this time I got busy. 

Again, I hadn’t really any guidance outside the “meeting makers make it” and “90 and 90” crowd so I thought that that  was AA. Turns out, there was way more involved than I thought. I found a podcast that was rooted in the Big Book, which I kinda skimmed through in the beginning, but not really. I glommed onto an AA circuit speaker from that podcast. He was talking about God, the Steps and the Big Book, which I hadn’t heard in the meetings I had been attending, or maybe I didn’t want to hear. This time I did what he suggested: God first thing in the morning on knees, commit to a homegroup, get a sponsor in that group, get a service commitment, work the Steps. 

During that time, my life line was Joe and Charlie, the podcast, the big book, walking, meetings, service, study and praying. I moved out of his house and rented a roomagain, which was humiliating for me to do sober. I didn’t even have a bed. I slept on the floor until God magically brought forth a bed for me, a free car and a job-I swear I didn’t have to pay for it or look for it-everything just got provided.. I found a sponsor who was committed to taking me through the work again, so this time I was able to start to see the truth and the harm I caused. 

The next round of amends were rooted in the fundamentals of our program and my heart was beginning to change naturally and organically because I actually did start to somewhat consider what they may have gone through as a result of my choices and my behavior-but not in a way that was self-flogging or guilt. I got that I was genuinely sick, and perhaps they were too; but that just because we were spiritually or mentally sick, that didn’t mean that I got a pass. But I was leaning toward compassion rather than guilt. Compassion can’t be taught from a book, it must be experienced. I didn’t experience that for real real until I started sponsoring other women.

From this new perspective going into amends became a sacred act. I actually sat down with the ex’es-not flirting, no small talk. I was authentically attempting to right wrongs if I could-if I couldn’t, that was ok too. It wasn’t about me repairing or saving these relationships with the motive of keeping them on the back burner “just in case” or a desire to have them miss me like I had done before. It was not easy-at all, but when you do these acts that involve employing God to give you courage to face yourself, magical stuff begins to happen. No joke. The ether shifts, the universe starts to support you in your efforts to realign back to your creator. It’s freaking amazing and NO drug. or relationship or earthen reward can touch the feeling of the purity of love that comes from getting in sequential order with the One. 

There are no shortcuts or half measures. The wide arch that I freely walked into has become a narrow path that I happily trudge daily. 

Topic for the week: How do you communicate?

I was struggling with what I wanted to say for each of the topics I was going to write about…I started writing about the first one then decided on another and wrote about that, then ditched that one in favor of another. I felt I had something to say about each of these topics, but I didn’t feel I was expressing myself well in any of them. Then I asked my HP for some inspiration and it came in the form of my sister.

My sister called me the other night to talk about some issues she has with her middle daughter, who turns 36 tomorrow. I was glad my sister felt she could confide in me, and I truly wanted to be able to help as I know both she and her daughter love each other, yet they cannot talk to each other. They talk, but neither one appears to understand what the other is saying.

I’ve heard it said that communication is perhaps the most important aspect of relationships – relationships of all kinds. Since getting sober and following the AA program, rebuilding relationships has been a priority for me. It’s something the program certainly encourages and gives us the tools to undertake via the steps and traditions.

When I think about how I communicated with people when I was still drinking, I cringe. I could be polite when I wanted to, but given that I had a HUGE chip on my shoulder and felt I was owed big time, I could also be unkind, impolite, and insensitive. Most of that stemmed from being self-centered and selfish.

I’m not talking only about when I was angry with someone, but in everyday conversations. I’d use a word or two that I figured someone wouldn’t understand in order to show off, I wouldn’t congratulate someone on something they did or won as I was too jealous of them, and I loved to rain on someone’s parade if they were happy about something and I wasn’t in a good mood. I’ll never forget the time I was asked why I chained my bike to something in front of the restaurant where I worked and my response to the person who asked me the question was, “And who the f**k are you?”. It turns out he was the owner of the building…

I now understand a lot more regarding communication and its components such as tone of voice, content, context, and so on. I understand that the words I’m saying and the meaning I attach to them may not be what is being heard by the person I’m speaking to/with. It was a revelation to me when I learned this, and it’s been useful in helping me think about how I’m going to convey information.

Communicating with others can be difficult, and more so when emotions are involved, as it tends to be with family and loved ones. My sister is a “feeler” as opposed to a “thinker” which is why, I believe, she may not always hear what her daughter is saying, i.e., it seems to me that my sister’s emotions obscure the ideas her daughter is expressing. My niece, on the other hand, has a habit of holding on to resentments and bringing them up every now and then. I don’t know that she’s actually looking for resolution when she does this.

For me, I’ve been staying with my 87-year old mother for the past few weeks and will remain at her house for another month. Fortunately, we get along well, but as I don’t know what it’s like to be 87, I can’t read her thoughts, and she’s not always truthful regarding how she feels or what she’s thinking, communicating with her can be tricky. I want to be honest, but I’m not sure she wants to hear what I honestly think or feel about, for instance, her continuing to drive. Also, something that might seem insignificant to me, may have much greater meaning to her, as was the case when I told her she’d left an item of her clothing in the washing machine so that it was also washed with my load. She was reduced to tears, saying she can’t even manage to make sure all of her wash is out of the washing machine (she finds it hard to accept that she forgets things more frequently).

I make an effort these days to try to frame my words in such a way that the person to whom I’m speaking will understand what I’m saying, especially when it’s an emotional issue. If communication breaks down for some reason, I can apologize if necessary and, together, we can try to find a way so that we understand each other’s viewpoints. This is a big change for me as I was never interested in knowing how the other person felt or what they thought, it was always about me and my perspective.

Relationships mean a lot to me in sobriety, and I feel proud that I’ve been able to repair quite a few that weren’t good when I was drinking. It’s not a one-and-done thing though. Relationships must be nurtured, so continuing to work on how I communicate with others is an ongoing lesson.

Thanks for letting me share. The meeting is now open for those who want to share on how you communicate with others.

In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 79

Have you ever thought that the harm you did a business associate, or perhaps a family member, was so slight that it really didn’t deserve an apology because they probably wouldn’t remember it anyway? If that person, and the wrong done to him, keeps coming to mind, time and again, causing an uneasy or perhaps guilty feeling, then I put that person’s name at the top of my “amends list,” and become willing to make a sincere apology, knowing I will feel calm and relaxed about that person once this very important part of my recovery is accomplished.

From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.

My share:

Earlier this week, I actually had this happen. A seemingly small disturbance kept coming to mind over and over from a few days of working together with my stepdaughter for a new property management company. Yet, since it continued to come to mind and weigh on me, I addressed it directly with my stepdaughter. It was something where I felt I owed her an apology for behavior that I found to be less than professional out of myself after looking back. She accepted the apology but said it was totally unnecessary. I thanked her for understanding and said I still wanted to say something because it wasn’t who I was trying to be. It was left at that. The air was clear, both between us and inside my headspace.

Earlier this week, I was in a meeting and heard a reference of a small disturbance in life being compared to a small pebble that gets in a runner’s shoe. At first, yes, it is a small disturbance, but left unchecked it can cause all sorts of problems! So it is with the small pebbles of life’s disturbances that start to live rent free in my head if I let them. This program has taught me that straight away I need to get down to causes and conditions, straight away I need to do the next right thing as indicated, all the while asking God for help and sharing with another AA.

What does the Daily Reflections reading bring up for you? Or anything else you need to share on the basis of recovery from alcoholism today, the floor is now open for sharing.

Self Mastery

“We had to see that every time we played the big shot we turned people against us. We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.” AA 12 x 12, Step 4, p. 47

Thanks to all of you and my HP I’m 12 years sober today. I just returned from a nearly 3 week trip to my home town that was laden with challenges. Despite this, I handled myself pretty well. Here’s a few examples:

When a friend was passive aggressive with me, I didn’t wilt or go on the attack: I asked him to state his wish clearly.

I was able to set aside grievances and remain open to getting to know my dad as he is now: a frail man with memory issues who didn’t want to see me leave–for the first time ever.

I was able to tell a cousin I had argued with ten years ago, and had been avoiding ever since (!), that I loved her, and I genuinely enjoyed our visit.

Before recovery and in early sobriety, I couldn’t ask for clarification, walk through fear, or let go of a grudge; I went straight to victim. In the wake of my trip, I don’t feel resentful, I feel peaceful.

The last paragraph of the 12 x 12 quote is one of my favorite bits of program wisdom. When I read it today, it shows me what happened to the angry, fearful, conflict-avoidant drinker I was before AA: I’ve accepted that I’m 100% responsible for managing my own upset. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m not calm and can walk away instead of trying to “win a useless argument,” as Bill put it. Today I’m not trying to farm out the job of managing me, or my life, to someone else.

I have a higher power, meetings, steps, fellows, inventory, and the ability to think before I speak, or press send. One day at a time, I get to use these tools to navigate the challenges that are inevitable in any life.

Please feel free to share on the topic of self mastery, the reading, or whatever you need to talk on this week.

Thank you for the chance to lead the meeting.

Hello dear ones of GROW. I am Teresa S., a grateful recovered alcoholic, living one day at a time. Thank you Emily and all GROW members who keep us going to work on our primary purpose, which is to carry the AA message to alcoholics who still suffer.

I believe the primary purpose is for all of us recovering and recovered alcoholics because believe me, I still suffer in sobriety. Life goes on and there are situations and people who can appear to make me suffer, if I let them. The difference for me today from when I first came into AA is all I knew then was how to suffer and live in self pity and guilt and blame… and now, I know how to ask my HP for help with it. I have a solution, the 12 steps, a constant, daily connection to God, as I understand God and service to others. These simple suggestions work in my life to remove any misery or suffering and help me be clear if this is self made or real. Thank you for being here for me, for you, for us! This week we reflect on Step 8, happy August!

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

The Big Book addresses Steps 8 and 9 together (pg. 76): “Now we need more action, without which we find that ” Faith without works is dead.” Let’s look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal.”

I know I am never really finished because I am not perfect. I have made progress and that is enough. I looked at my Step Four list and added those I “forgot about” and more detail to my part in the pain I was living and giving out at the time. I was WILLING to do this and that is all of Step 8.

For me, it was drastic and thorough and honest with help from others who I am forever grateful. I had agreed at the beginning to “go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.” I wanted my life in order. I didn’t know then, but what I really wanted was to be the person God created me to be with my only purpose in this life being to love and serve every human being.

I learned to follow directions and the suggestions given to me by others who had what I wanted, aka, sponsors and others in the program.

When I got to step 8, I made a list of ALL persons I had harmed and was surprised, shocked!, at how long it was because I thought I was the one that had been harmed. A true victim personality. My sponsor guided me to be “thoroughly honest.

I learned the practice of looking up definitions of words in order to understand and be more clear in my work.. “Harm” physical or mental damage caused by a person or thing. The 12 & 12 pg. 80 “the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to people.” My “people” included the ones I loved the most: my parents, my children, my husband, my fiends and myself. This certainly cleared things up for me and my list grew to the honest length it should be.

As written in the 12 & 12, pgs. 78-79, there were three obstacles I had to confront:

1. Defensiveness…focus on what was done to me is an excuse or escape from accepting responsibility for my own actions.

2. Fear…this with pride would keep me from the work I had to do

3. Delusional thinking…”a false belief that is not based in reality, despite evidence to the contrary.” I had to do a “deep and honest search” of my motives and actions and become willing to face the fact that I hurt others, not only myself.

Not exaggerating, I lied and cheated. Obvious harm to family done. Sometimes the harms we do are subtle. I remember reading for the first time on page 81 of the 12 & 12 examples of the personality traits that caused harm to others such as being irresponsible, cold, irritable, impatient, humorless (I always took my self too seriously, Rule 62), controlling, blaming, wallowing in depression and self pity. Because I became willing to make amends to all, I completed Step 8 and could move on toStep 9..

Some time ago, while re-working the steps with a sponsor, she asked me to write an original Step 8 prayer, from my heart and this is what I wrote.

Dear God, help me to know how to make amends for each person on my list. There are some I did much harm to and I want to make it right if possible and make amends to those I can. There are some that did much harm to me and I don’t understand how to make amends to them nor do I want to.

I do want total freedom. I will be truthful. Honest. I never want to live in fear and with delusions again. I cannot do this alone. I need you and my sponsor to guide me. I trust and know you are with me on this path to freedom. I’m tired. I’m 70. I’m willing. Show me what to say and do.

I look forward to reading your experiences with Step 8 and gain new strength and hope from you.  Thank you!

“We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.”

Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition page 75

I was out walking with a friend tonight, talking about my mother. She offered me some suggestions on how to be in a different relationship with her. I felt myself tense up a bit. I know my goal is to be at perfect peace and ease. There are still some resentments under the surface that keep reappearing. I don’t stress about it. I give myself some grace and go about my day. I trust Gods plan for my life. When I’m ready to change, I’ll be willing to take different actions.

I almost forgot to send the lead out. I was scrolling my big book app to get an idea for this weeks lead…. And here it is. The direction to work my fourth step. The answers always present themselves to me in the book. The solution to any problem is here.

I set aside my pride and ego. I look at my mom has another human being on this planet. She’s not a bad mom. She is who she is. It’s my expectations that hurt our relationship. If I bring God into this relationship, I know things will be different. I have to do the work. I have to quiet my mind and ask God for help. I almost become giddy knowing what’s going to come out of this work… perfect peace.

I can walk hand and hand with the spirit of the universe in full gratitude for my sobriety; this program of action and good orderly direction.

Please feel free to share on this topic or anything on your mind. Thanks for allowing me to be of service.

I have been struggling lately with life. I know that the struggles are not life threatening. They are just really uncomfortable. My husband, who is also in the program, and I have been talking about how sometimes in meetings, all you hear is that if you work the step, get a sponsor and not drink, your life will be better, great even. And compared to what I was before AA and recovery, my life certainly is better.  But I’m an alcoholic . My head is telling me that AA isn’t solving ALL my problems, and therefore, I am doing it wrong.  See, look you hurt yourself,  and your dog has some sort of back pain that will cost up to $10,000 to fix. Work continues to be extremely busy.  What is the point?  Sobriety isn’t all that great after all.

I don’t want to drink, I am just not happy with life right now. Does that mean that I am not doing AA right?  When I sit and talk to my God about this, I know I am ok exactly where I am. I know that AA cannot take away the pain in life. But AA has shown me how to be ok while I am uncomfortable. My God does not leave me, she walks with me and sometimes, even carries me, because I don’t have the strength to take another step. What helps me stand still instead of running and avoiding like I uses to with alcohol and later with anything else that numbed the pain? I have been showing my fear and uncertainty more around my husband and people I trust. I am not hiding my uncomforable, and I am asking for help. I started doing gratitude lists again.  The slogan “this too will pass” and :one day at a time”, have helped me breathe through the moments. I continue to reach out and be honest with other ladies in AA. None of these things stops the uncomfortable,  but it certainly makes it easier to endure until the storm passes. I am so grateful to have alternative solutions to uncomfortable today.

I would love to hear about what you do to endure life storms sober.

Topic for the week: What does AA fellowship mean to you?

In thinking about a topic for this week’s meeting, I wanted to write about something connected to the AA international convention which was held recently in Vancouver. I was fortunate to be able to attend it, as did a few other GROW members.

I imagine the convention meant different things for those who attended in-person or online, including learning more about various aspects of sobriety and AA, sharing experience, strength, and hope, identifying with other alcoholics, celebrating sobriety, reaffirming AA principles and traditions, and/or an abundance of fellowship.

It’s this last one that stood out for me. By definition, fellowship means “a group of people or an organization with the same purpose”, or “a friendly feeling that exists between people who have a shared interest or are doing something as a group”. As an active alcoholic, the only thing I wanted to do as part of a group was drink, and ideally the alcohol would be provided and paid for by someone in that group. I didn’t know the meaning of fellowship as an active alcoholic because I was too selfish and self-centered, unwilling to give anything to anyone because I was the victim and I was owed – a lot!

Seeing the thousands of people at the convention – AAs, Al-Anons, and Alateens – from all over the world was amazing. A sentence from the chapter ‘There is a Solution’ kept popping into my head: “[w]e are people who would not normally mix.” That has never been more evident to me as it was at the convention! People from all walks of life were there. It was one of the most wonderful things I’ve ever been a part of, this sea of people, all there as a result of Bill W. and Dr. Bob’s meeting in Akron, Ohio 90 years ago. Who could have imagined what would grow from the meeting of two alcoholics who just wanted to find a way to escape the hell of active alcoholism!

The importance of fellowship in AA cannot be stressed enough, in my opinion. The first step begins with “we”, there are numerous examples of the use of “we” throughout the Big Book and in slogans, i.e., ‘We are without defense against the first drink’, ‘We’re only as sick as our secrets’, ‘Today we have a choice’, and according to Naples (Florida) Area Intergroup, the word ‘we’ occurs in the Big Book 1,157 times! So, the word ‘we’ is central to the AA program; there is no ‘we’ if there is no AA. That ‘we’ comes to life in the fellowship; it’s AA in action through meetings, at conventions, in 12-step work, in sponsorship, at the ‘after the meeting’ meeting, and in so many other ways.

I feel blessed to be part of this fellowship. It saved my life, and by following the Steps, listening to others, being willing to take huge leaps of faith, and trusting my HP, I’ve had the opportunity to learn to be the best version of me although I’ll always be a work-in-progress, which is okay.  Fellowship in AA has shown me what it means to accept life in life’s terms, forgive, be joyous (even in the face of tragedy), allow my HP to guide me, be of use to others, and much more. By doing service, attending meetings (online or in-person), and trying to live the AA program each day, I can give back to this wonderful fellowship. We are all in this together, and together we make AA what it is. Judging by the convention, the worldwide fellowship of AA is a diverse group of people, each of us with our own story regarding how we got here, but working together to keep AA’s traditions and fellowship intact so that when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help with their drinking, the hand of AA is always there.

Thanks for letting me share. The meeting is now open. I’d love to hear about what AA fellowship means to you. 

This coming Monday, I will have gone without a drink for 29 years. This is amazing to me, as it has been every sober year. When I came back to AA after a nasty 5-year relapse, I was broken with little hope that I could get or stay sober. The idea I could be sober for a year seemed impossible. I didn’t think I could work the program either. Every Step was scary. I was sure I wouldn’t like the person I found in those Steps. But I’d run out of options. I’d tried so many ways to not drink and failed at all of them. I’d come to fear drinking as much as I feared not drinking. 

The fear of getting drunk one more time kept me sober for quite a while. The fear drove me to work the Steps with a sponsor and apply those Steps in the rest of my life. For the first time in my life, I did what people suggested the way they suggested it. I was in shock when I picked up my first year chip. I’m still afraid of the next drink, but fear isn’t the only thing that keeps me sober today. It’s the program. It’s the Steps and having a relationship with a power much greater than me.

With the help of other recovering alcoholics, AA, the Big Book, and the Steps have taught me so much about who I was, who I am, and who I can be. They’ve given me tools that address any situation that comes up, but only if when understand the tool and how to apply it. That means I must practice actually using the tool. Life forces me to practice – a lot. Life continues to help me practice these principles in all my affairs.

Today, I have confidence that even I can stay sober one day at a time. I’m still afraid of the next drink, being certain that the first one will be followed by thousands more. I know without doubt that, if I pick up, it will never end. But today, I also know that I am protected by the program of AA and sober friends who keep me grounded. I’m no longer afraid of looking within when something’s bothering me because that’s the only place I’ll find the problem. I’ve learned it’s okay to make mistakes, that all humans make mistakes. I’ve learned that being mindful helps me avoid a lot of heartache, that staying out of my head brings peace. I’ve also learned that the more I think of others, the better I feel about myself.

What keeps you sober today?
Please share about this or anything you need to.

”This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past.”

This passage and introduction to Step 10 is assuming that it is speaking to someone who is seriously gung ho about continuing to grow. Bill uses the word vigorously a couple of times (vigorously means in a way that involves physical strength, effort, or energy; strenuously) in the BB because is stresses importance.

If I spend time and effort into cleaning up my home, I certainly would not want to run back in and destroy it-but, if I am prone to doing that, then I need continued education to keep me connected to the Source that can remove the compulsion to do that. Once it’s clean, we hopefully want to keep it clean.

”We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime”

Why do we continue to take our inventory, go to meetings, study the big book and Work with Others? If these Steps have cleared me out that I have entered into the world of the Spirit, why do I need to keep on doing things?? Same principle with house cleaning….I can’t just clean my house once and call it good for a lifetime.

When we are not expanding on our spiritual growth or putting real effort toward being more effective and understanding our primary purpose of serving others; then those not so obvious things, like dust, start to accumulate and my life becomes unmanageable to the point that I am forced into action. Proactive and consistent action in 10, 11 and 12 will keep me growing properly.

It’s doesn’t mean I won’t experience some growing pains while doing 10, 11 and 12, but it’s the difference between allowing a plant to almost die and then watering it before it completely dies so that it comes back to life over and over and over. It may continue to live for a time, but it never develops more branches or leaves or the potential beauty as it could have, had it been properly cared for and nurtured on a consistent bases.

”Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.”

Note: It says when, not if, these crop up… we are taught to:

1. Ask God to remove them
2. Discuss them with someone
3. Make amends quickly if we have caused harm
4. Turn our thoughts to someone we can help

”And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned.”

Ceased fighting anything or anyone is the by product of having sane response to life and others because we use the above formula that is proven to work, provided I vigorously work it.

Please share some examples of what you have ceased fighting or have had a sane response to as a result of working our lifetime program.

For this week’s topic I have chosen passages for The Vicious Cycle p.219-231. This is the story of AAs first atheist/agnostic and from whom we get the saying “God as we understand Him.”

“The age-old question in A.A. is which ciouscame first, the neurosis or the alcoholism. I like to think I was fairly normal before alcohol took over.”

Jim Burwell developed an aversion to churches and all religions when he was sent to a religious school at 11. He took his first drink at University at 19, and though not very successful in his education he went on to be a big success in business. As he said, “As long as things were tough and the job a challenge, I could always manage to hold on quite well, but as soon as I learned the combination, got the puzzle under control, and the boss to pat me on the back, I was gone again.” He had a knack for turning companies around and then blowing it all up by getting drunk again.

Though his story was not included in the first edition it has been ever since.

For me, I went to a religious school at 13 and developed my aversion to churches and organized religion during that time too. In my college years I majored in playing pool and drinking to excess, my studies went by the wayside, and I finally told my Dad that I was going to stop wasting his money and my time and went to work. My grandiose ideas were that I could go as far as anyone with an education, boy, was I wrong.

I’d had my heart broken and I was pissed, I could do anything the guys could and proceeded to have a very promiscuous life. One night stands were my norm. The blackouts were just a byproduct. Waking up in strange places was the norm. I was always relieved to find my car afterwards and to get home. There was no remorse in me, I was tough.

And then the DWIs started, one in 1983 but I did not stop drinking then. I don’t remember if anyone suggested AA to me but I didn’t go. The second one got my attention in 1990 as the laws had changed and I knew I was in trouble.

When my drinking buddy attorney suggested I go to as many meetings of AA as I could before my court date, I complied. When he suggested I do out-patient treatment as well, I rebelled somewhat but did it anyway.

I was one of the lucky ones, at my third meeting I knew I was home, y’all were my people. You had something I wanted and I would stick around until I figured it out, never realizing that would become my lifestyle and there is always something new to learn.

I go to meetings most days, belong to two email women’s groups, I do service at most groups I attend, and I always try to share at every meeting and I work with women. My life is full and I have everything I need, and I wouldn’t trade my life today for anything.

Thanks for letting me share, it is now your meeting and I look forward to your shares this week.

Topic for the week: New Beginnings

Sophie here, still an alcoholic.

Grateful to be part of GROW and part of AA.

Yesterday I celebrated a sober-versary. So happy to be sober and active in my sobriety.

I reflect back to coming into AA and what helped me then as a newcomer. I had no idea getting into that first meeting and finding the 12 steps would turn out to be a new beginning. All I could see and feel was what I had lost and what I would miss. Today when I get those feelings when I’m facing a change or a challenge I can remind myself that my Higher Power had something better for me then and that is true today.

So what helped you in your new beginning? Or are you at the beginning of your new beginning and still feeling like it’s an ending?

The Big Book describes being at a “turning point” and at the “jumping off place”.

What I know is that it was first the fellowship, being surrounded by unconditional love for the first time by fellow alcoholics who understood me despite being almost total strangers, that helped me stay with AA.

Next it was beginning to learn some of the program ideas and language. Things like “Just for Today” and finding out that it’s the first drink that kicks off my craving and itch for another and another.

And opening myself up to new ways of being and seeing and doing. Like picking up a daily reader and reading something inspirational each morning, first the AA Daily Reflections, and then discovering other daily reading meditation books.

After that it was connecting with a Higher Power, consciously recognising that AA was a Higher Power, and connecting with women who I could call or meet between meetings.

I found a temporary sponsor who began my on my journey with the 12 Steps. 

Then I found my long term sponsor who in earnest showed me the Big Book and living the principles of each Step and each Tradition. 

Learning the words to the Serenity Prayer and saying it regularly through the day was a new beginning too. 

Being accepted as the replacement tea person at my Friday meeting was a new beginning too. Being trusted to organise the tea! And the biscuits! And turn up every week or make arrangements for someone to cover if I was sick or away. 

These are the things I learned early on and helped build me a strong connection with AA, with the meetings I went to and with my local fellowship.

These are the things that have been my mainstay for my sobriety.

So what I learned in the beginning helps me stay balanced today.

Today I ask myself where am I in the Circle & Triangle of AA.

Where am I in my unity?

Where am I in my service?

Where am I in my 12 steps (program)?

I was taught about the 3 legged stool and how it won’t balance on two out of three or one out of three legs. So the triangle of AA is my 3 legged stool.

Any day I’m sober can be a new beginning of some sort. I’m learning and growing as a human being, as a sober woman, as lots of other roles in my life.

Remembering to restart my day with a prayer and some quiet time is always a new beginning. Being inspired to look up and see the butterflies or the flowers or the blossom in the trees, always a new beginning for me, helping me stay connected.

Please come in and share whatever is on your heart or mind for your sobriety today.

Or check in on the Circle & Triangle or

Thank you for being in the meeting and for having me be of service.

I can’t do this alone.

Fear is an evil, corroding thread; the fabric of our lives is shot through with it.”

Fear has always been a part of my life and the root of so many of my character defects.  Lately my life has been ruled by so much fear. It seems as I have gotten older, it has increased. Sometimes it gets so bad, it limits what I can do.

“We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression.”

I had no foundation or support in my family of origin. I soon followed the way my parents dealt with fear, I drank. Alcohol quieted these fears for a few hours but they returned when I sobered up, often worse. Then I had the original fear and additional worries about what I did while I was black out drunk. This cycle ran on fear, 24/7.

Step four enabled me to begin dealing with my fear and anxiety. This program gave me tools to cope when fear crept in. Even in sobriety I am still diagnosed as having chronic depression and anxiety. I still try to maintain my program to the best of my ability but I am puzzled as to why so much fear has come up again. Life on life’s terms was never going to be easy but my fear is a huge stumbling block sometimes. It could be the culmination of aging, health or the impending loss of family members. I know it is time for another step four, handing things over to my HP and daily prayer about fear in my life.

How have you dealt with fear in sobriety?

Thanks for letting me lead this week.

Lynn H.

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.” – Big Book page 76

For me, this was a new relationship with my Creator. Prior to AA, I was very ashamed to take my “bad” to God. I felt ashamed and not good enough to take these things before my Creator. I also felt this way in my home growing up. This led to a lot of emotional dysregulation and confusion and also many spiritual blocks that prevented me from spiritual growth.

By the time I got to AA, I also had a very difficult time believing anything good was even in me. So, again, this approach that I am composed of both good and bad was a new thing for me. Gradually, through inventory, through living the program one day at a time, I was able to see that when I aligned my will with the divine will of my Higher Power, there was plenty of good not only in me but all around me.

On a daily basis, the seventh step prayer really helps set the tone for my mornings. I am able to take everything before my Higher Power and hand it over, freeing me to put all my energy toward seeking my Higher Power and seeing my Higher Power’s will for me. Which boils down to being of maximum service to HP and others, which AA makes really straightforward and simple in the approach of Trust God, Clean House and Help Others.

All of this together on a one day at a time basis has brought inner peace into my life and helped guide me in the process of clearing away the wreckage of my past. And clearing that wreckage has brought about restoration and healing in so many places in my life that I had accepted were to be forever dark and bankrupt. My kids are in my life today, my parents are in my life today, God is in my life today, amazing sober women are in my life today, love is in my life today and that is all thanks to this program for showing me the way.

I would love to hear of your experience with the Seventh Step Prayer and any of the ways the Steps led you to repair and restore what had previously been broken.

A very happy Mother’s day to anyone celebrating and a big hug to any of us who struggle with our memories and emotions today. Sending you all love and hope from Ohio.

Topic for the week: Step 5 “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Hello dear ones from our GROW community. I am Teresa S., a grateful recovered alcoholic.

As I get my tools ready, the Big Book and then 12 & 12, I ask my HP/God to help me with my thoughts and words so that they may help others. If you are new or returning, decide to believe those of us who have gone before you, even for one day or one hour; learn from others how to move toward a full and meaningful sobriety!

When I first came to AA, I did not come to help others. I came out of desperation to live and to see if this program could relieve my fears, my anxiety, my depression, my remorse and my anger. I wanted relief and I did not want to use alcohol anymore as the solution because it was not working and I was destroying my life and those around me. No other step provides the same kind of relief as Step 5.
Note: “If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.” Pg.72 BB

This was me: “the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his state character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but KNOWS in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.”. Pg.73 BB

As suggested by my counselor, who was in recovery, I went to 90 meetings in 90 days. I found relief. I found a sponsor. Sober friends who understood my woes and sometimes laughed at them but never at me. I became willing to work the steps and when I got to Step five, I was taught how to admit to God, then to myself and then to another human the exact nature of my wrongs. I cried and cried and it all poured out from my written 4th step to the words coming from my mouth to the ears of another human being. I felt humiliated, ashamed and pitiful. Honestly, telling God and myself was easier because we already knew the truth.

The promises of Step 5 came true over time, over work, over being honest and willing. See them on page 75 of the Big Book! I found seven!

Others from the 12&12:
“We shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we’ve always had.” Pg. 57 12&12 I belonged! “It was the beginning of a true kinship with man and God.” Pg. 57 12&12

Then a BIG one for me: forgiveness. I could be forgiven and I could forgive. Just in the past six years of my sobriety while living here in Nicaragua I was given opportunities to help me truly understand, feel, know and live with forgiveness. “We’d be able to receive forgiveness and give it too.” Pg.58 12&12

Another promise of Step 5 is HUMILITY, “a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.” Pg. 58 12&12 I could no longer keep my past a secret. In Step 4 I looked. In Step 5 I admit the truth of who I was to another human so that I can change. “When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honesT with ourselves and with God.” Pg. 60 12&12

Some have felt the presence of God for the first time during this step. I honestly cannot say I did. However, over time, and working the steps, and reflection and acceptance and attending meetings and being of service and being willing and honest, and trusting my HP/God, I clearly have become conscious of God as I never was before.That’s a lot of “ands”! It takes what it takes! 🙂

Finally, the last part of Step 5 that we cannot omit: “Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God (of our understanding) from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better. Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps….” Pg.75

Looking forward to reading your experience, strength and hope around Step 5 or anything else that is on your heart. Thank you for allowing me to share.

Wishing you blessings and promises of all kinds!

I kept asking myself “Why can’t the twelve steps work to release depression?” By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer … “it’s better to comfort than to be comforted.” Here was the formula, all right, but why didn’t it work?

Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence, on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.

There wasn’t a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.

Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed upon any act of circumstance whatsoever.

Then only could I be free to love as Francis did. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing love appropriate to each relation of life.

Plainly, I could not avail myself to God’s love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn’t possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies.

For my dependence meant demand, a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.

While those words “absolute dependence” may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me.

This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God’s creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the real current cannot flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.

If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependence and its consequent demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love: we may then be able to gain emotional sobriety.

Of course, I haven’t offered you a really new idea — only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes´ at depth. Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.” -Bill Wison

I hit 11 years on April 8th, and I am going to be meditating/contemplating these words the rest of the month as to how I can proactively and effectively unhook from any and all unhealthy dependency so that I may fully experience what adult love is. If I am not growing, I am dying-no matter how much physical time I have.

Please share what Bill’s words invoke in your Spirit.

One of my favorite acronyms is one for faith: Finally Allowing It to Happen. For me, the dogged pursuit of faith was a driving force in my early recovery. My dogged pursuit of happiness had only resulted in my falling into alcoholism; once I was sober (or dry, shall we say), I was desperate to find something, anything, to replace alcohol. So began my quest for faith.

When I was young, I had a child’s faith, complete trust in my parents and in some invisible being I heard about in Sunday school that I was told I should believe in. As I experienced more of the world, as well as life in my family, that faith and trust began to erode. I went through the appropriate motions, getting confirmed in the church of my parents’ choice, doing everything I was told by my parents and teachers, but there was a disconnect between my beliefs and what I experienced. I held on to the notion that everyone knew better than I did, and if I just obeyed well enough, I’d be fine. But the harder I tried, the worse I felt. And the more I saw in the behavior of those I trusted, the more confused I was about right and wrong. When alcohol came into my life, all the confusion and false beliefs were cemented in place. Unknowingly, I had developed a faith in the very thing that was destroying me.

I remember once talking with my husband about the difference between persistence and beating your head against a wall. He pointed out that it has to do with dogma. I had to look that up to get a deeper understanding, and sure enough, dogma was the inflexibility and rigidity that had imprisoned me for so long. I was still in pursuit of something that I couldn’t quite seem to grasp. I had been in AA for some time, going through all the appropriate motions (where have we heard that before?), but true faith in a higher power was just beyond my reach. No matter how hard I tried, there was some undefinable distance between me and God. I just didn’t get “it.”

There have been times in my life that felt like the end of the world as I knew it, but each time something pulled me through and gave me something better (not that I knew it was better at the time…). When my dad died, I stopped drinking. When 911 happened, I started going to AA. When my mom died and the pandemic hit, I went into a period of doing nothing – I wasn’t depressed, or experiencing what I had known as depression, but I just wasn’t forcing myself to do anything. I simply let myself be. Now I see the gift in that period of time. I finally was able to let it happen. I experienced faith in a whole new way, but it wasn’t until I let go of the pursuit that it came to me. Let go and let God…finally!

Thank you all for the opportunity to chair this meeting. Please feel free to share on this topic or anything else that might be burdening you.

Hello ladies, my name is —-, and I am a recovering alcoholic and thank you all for attending this week’s meeting. Welcome to the newcomers and those who are celebrating a sobriety birthday in the month of March.

The topic this week is step 4 which is:
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory”
For me when I read and talk about step four and often say that it was not a fearless experience. I can recall my first fourth step I did. The main theme of this step was focusing on my parents and what they did and ever little about what I did, said and how I interacted with them and others. It was the best I could do at that point in my recovery.

What is great about the 12 steps, traditions and concept is we continuously work the steps. Now the second time I  did my fourth step was much different because it was an intense experience filled with many different emotions and often felt a push pull with steps going forward then back and moments of feeling frozen in place.

It took time and guidance from the person who guided me through this step to realize that our founders knew we, I needed to conduct a thorough and honest examination of one’s (mine) character flaws and past behaviors, aiming to identify the root of our drinking as well as our personal struggles.

Once I “completed” my fourth step I started to see and understand that I was taking the steps to understand myself and my little kid as well as my behavior patterns of the past as well as the present. This was the “oh shit moment” where I saw that I my part, I saw how I continued to live in dysfunctional ways and it was hard to see but at the same time it was the turning point to also see I was not the only one. That I was not unique as I thought I was. The silence I carried with me was starting to break open and secrets were open which reduced their power over me as time passed and I continued to work the step and HP guidance.

I continue to gain understanding of myself by trudging the road to recovery.

It was and still is important to remember that this step is not about punishing myself for the past but owning the past, which then allowed me to make amends and learn and use healthier coping skills moving forwards. The past events, experiences (good, bad and everything in between) have made me who I am today. It has been a process for me like peeling the onion one layer at a time. Furthermore, step four showed me the good traits I had and that I was not all bad which is still a work in progress.

Thank you for listening and having me lead this week’s meeting. Please about your experience and thoughts about step four or what is on your heart this week.

Have a great day and week